Friday, February 26, 2010


A while back, while I was making out with a boy, it was so hard for me to stay present and enjoy it all simply because my mind was spinning with all of the paranoias from the last relationship I was in. All of the critiques and non-flattering comments were flooding my brain in the presence of the new-cute-kissing-partner - as if I was bracing myself for this beautiful new beau to start saying the same things I'd heard so many times before in the unhealthy part of relationships past.

It was then that I realized that being with another other - after being with an other of significance for so so long - takes some getting used to. Mainly - getting used to the thorns and projectiles that you throw out to protect yourself from experiencing any amount of hurt again. (And it made me think on the flip side: Why am I listening to these repeated critiques from the past so seriously? Why did they stick so deeply in my memory...? Especially when they came from someone who was projecting his own stuff onto my lovely self...)

Whether you're the one projecting your stuff onto your other of the moment, or you're the one on the receiving end of such projectiles of emotional / psychological baggage, it's difficult to stay clear about what's going on and to not take anything to heart - especially in the vulnerable closeness of relationship (and the newness of budding relationship).

If this emo-baggage isn't checked at the curb and handled appropriately - we'll never be able to see who's really shining in front of us because we're too busy tossing our shit at them for whatever twisted and unresolved reasons we hold on to. That's the dose of Kryptonite it takes to destroy a relationship. How do we work with this - in ourselves and our other - when this arises?

A fun new blog called Kryptonite Cupcake Theory talks about an aspect of these thorns and projectiles in their first posts (plural due to the partnered nature of this blog's authorship: Two star-struck souls in love with life and each other, with a twist of "He said, she said").

She said: "In any relationship, there’s a period of adjusting…of teaching the other person how to treat you and helping them deal with your trigger points. I have many of them, and I know you do too. I think a lot of our fighting is testing the other person…seeing how much they want this…making sure they’re not like the other people who disappointed us so badly.

"And I think, a lot of the time, we fight because we both have a certain amount of expectation about what this new person is going to do. It’s based on those old people, sometimes. So, instead of me taking what you say at face value and assuming your innocence, I am holding you accountable for all those bad behaving others who came before you. Because on some level, I’m protecting myself from them when I’m interacting with you. You might not know how to say it in the way I need to hear it. You might not speak my language exactly or understand my motives yet. But that doesn’t mean you aren’t right. And that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. It’s just a matter of being open and not defending myself from threats that don’t yet exist.

"It’s hard. People come into our lives, and they leave their impressions. We get used to being in a certain role. We get used to reacting in a certain way. And it stops being about us…you and me…and it becomes about all the people we aren’t…all those who aren’t. So, how do you love in that crazy, passionate way we do without being harmed by it…without changing to the point of embracing our shadow? How do we stay open and willing to hear and assume innocence?"

He said: "It is so hard to really date one person once you’ve dated others. ... I’m talking about past loves and the imprints our experience with them leave on us. The filters that change how we view the world. But the more we can find the ability to stop the freight train of anger for a moment, to breathe and consider the intentions of this person we really do love – so, so much – and see a glimpse of them through the shady masks of past relationships, the more we can actually deal with the shit that we each do need to address in ourselves, and the more we can relate with complete honesty and love."

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