What kisses like a suction cup and can't find ...

Frustrated with the insensitivity and lack of Don Juan skills she's found in her men so far, she divulged the latest of the terribles: ".... and the most recent on was the worst...he kissed like a plunger. Not kidding. Or like when you press your lips together and suck in -- that noise. I don't know if I would want that below the belt even if he was willing. Oh, but this is the best part: in the middle of sex -- granted he was wearing protection so sensation was limited, and they must have been super crappy ones cause they were very crinkly, like Saran wrap, or more like color Christmas cellophane -- so, apparently he wasn't super touchy-feely and his sense of direction wasn't that great either. I mean, it either slipped out, or whatever, and he was trying for another go, and said something like: 'how are we doing down there' ...like where's the hole?(??) So, I said 'to your left' and started laughing - couldn't help it. He was a little embarrassed. But seriously, get some skills."

Before she finished, she added exasperatedly: "Someone needs to teach these guys to be better lovers. We need a brigade of real sex-educators... seminars on more than just sowing the seeds of love. We need knowledge about the dynamics of desire, the pleasures of the luscious text of the body..."

La-Z boy

"Could you... - would you... - in a recliner?" she asked with a smile that was bursting with an adventurous tale.

Her friend raised her eyebrows, simultaneously surprised and impressed.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I can." she winked assuredly. "Twas fun. He's nice. Kind of a nerd tho... It was his old recliner from home. Totally doesn't match his cute little place, but he couldn't get rid of it. So when things got frisky, I asked him if it's ever been christened. He said never, so we proceeded to turn it into a La-Z boy with benefits."

Bedtimes character

"Now I'm giving up on them if I can't get off within the first three encounters of the sexual kind. I mean, if they don't take any interest to put me first, or even second, after three times, then they obviously aren't attentive about how I really feel..." she said.

Due by Wednesday

"... So, now I'm trying to figure out if there's a correlation between kissing skill and horizontal tussle skills," she said. "I'm thinking that they are not correlated, but I encourage you to do your own research. I want to hear a boy story from you by Wednesday."

"Did I just get a homework assignment?!" her friend's attention piqued. "By Wednesday!? Does this mean that I have to leave the house...?"

"Yes."

"I can't just petition the universe for Orlando Bloom?"

"Nope."

"I'll see what I can come up with by then..." her friend whined with reluctance. Yet, she knew that New Year's was just around the corner and that night had to be good for something.

Nothing to sneeze at

"I'm going to see him later," she said. "He mentioned that he was over his cold."

"You know what that means... " her friend insinuated.

"Uh huh. Maybe his kissing will improve..."

Good for sumthin'

She connected with her co-conspirator after a long (two-week) hiatus. The exchange of holiday wishes, what's-ups and what-nots went something like this:

"Yeah, so I think I've finally given up on this one. I mean, I've really let go of the idea that anything romantical will happen. I've been pretty clear about where I'm at, and he never has been uber clear about where he's at after any of my confessions. I guess, I could read into covert things he's said, but then again, what do I choose to read into? Do I ignore the lines that seem to be incinerating something else? Wth, right? I mean we've been plenty close - with nothin."

"In my experience, I've pretty much gathered that if a guy is into me after one or two dates, he makes no hesitation to kiss me and proceed to take my clothes off. I'll report back with more definitive conclusions in about one week. I'm working on another experiment."

"Wow, you think that's really it? the fast and furious? Is that all we can expect from them?"

"Men can give you so many disheartening insights..."

Score

"How would you rate your kissing?" the suave beau asked her as he leaned against the bar.

She was standing close to him and his friend. "I'm a 9.2," she replied confidently.

"Really!?" he exclaimed, a bit surprised at the certainty of her self-assessment.

Her bravado flashed across her face with a smirk and she made her move on his friend, locking lips with her best 9.2.

Personal assistant

"What do you do?" the guy asked over the noise of the bar.

"Oh, I freelance..." she said. "Anything you need, I can do it."

Thank you very little

Have you ever wondered how you can spend so much time with someone, good times of enjoying each other's company - or so you thought - planning things for the immediate future, only to be left in the dust of no follow through? Have you ever kept your schedule open based on a past discussion (on a date) and then found yourself waiting for a phone call, a return text or ... some follow through?

"I mean, when I say I'm going to call, I usually call. It's pretty simple," my recently left in the dust friend vented. "Why was it so hard for what's-his-face to call?! It's the dawning of the age of the iPhone. The tele isn't new technology. Shit, he could have txt'd. Emailed. Geezus H..."

It's about congruity: when you say you're going to do something, do it. The favorable pieces of you match up. Otherwise, you risk the terrible label of "flaky."

The Undercovers Vixen

Fresh from the front lines of the dating scene, researching the state of courtship in America, our saucy, savvy field analyst reports back the searing insights on (what else?) men, etc., and the burning questions that arise therefrom.

Stay tuned for the juicy bites from the other side of the table as she goes face to face with seemingly "together" guys, not afraid to be a straight shooter with her penetrating, no nonsense questions as she probes the depths of the male psyche.