Sunday, March 29, 2009
Peer reviewed
Like a journal article that undergoes the rigorous editing of numerous eyes and red pens before it gets published, your significant other needs to pass the scrutiny of your nearest and dearest. The wise trustees of your tribe will be able to see red flags you might be overlooking, immune to, numb to, or blind to due to proximity to the subject and high level of twitterpatedness regarding the aforementioned subject.
A good group of peers will review red flags with you and ask you hard questions like: "Why are you with him?" "Do you love him?" "Does he make you happy 99.9% of the time?" "If he asked you to marry him right now, would you say, 'Yes, of course!'?"
If you answer yes to any of the above, then they will most likely reply excitedly to the effect of: "Well shit, (your name), that's effing awesome!!" (and then, they may be secretly envious).
If your answers waver, are paused or full of explanations and examples as to why it's more complicated than that, they will listen to the cliff notes of your relationship 'history' again, take copious notes, and then hand the notes over for you to read. This way, you see what you're saying, how silly it is, and hopefully you'll know what to do. If necessary, a savvy reviewer (with your best interests lovingly in mind) will read your words back to you and ask you to identify every excuse you are making for him which is getting in the way of your own happiness.
A good group of peers will review red flags with you and ask you hard questions like: "Why are you with him?" "Do you love him?" "Does he make you happy 99.9% of the time?" "If he asked you to marry him right now, would you say, 'Yes, of course!'?"
If you answer yes to any of the above, then they will most likely reply excitedly to the effect of: "Well shit, (your name), that's effing awesome!!" (and then, they may be secretly envious).
If your answers waver, are paused or full of explanations and examples as to why it's more complicated than that, they will listen to the cliff notes of your relationship 'history' again, take copious notes, and then hand the notes over for you to read. This way, you see what you're saying, how silly it is, and hopefully you'll know what to do. If necessary, a savvy reviewer (with your best interests lovingly in mind) will read your words back to you and ask you to identify every excuse you are making for him which is getting in the way of your own happiness.
Charting your love territory
"We should do your chart," the wise one said excitedly. "Then, you'll know what signs to avoid and what ones to pursue. It'll help with the weeding out process and help you focus your efforts."
The little one pondered this cosmic concept, as even Greg Behrendt hadn't included the importance of zodiac matches in his Man-Bible. "Oh, yes," she agreed. "Chart me. No wasting my time on the known incompatibles."
The little one pondered this cosmic concept, as even Greg Behrendt hadn't included the importance of zodiac matches in his Man-Bible. "Oh, yes," she agreed. "Chart me. No wasting my time on the known incompatibles."
Remember me?
Have you ever found yourself witnessing someone's soliloquy about themselves? Is that a red flag for a potential suitor...?
And, the survey says... heck yes.
And, the survey says... heck yes.
Communicable
A friend just came back from an annual trip to the doctors and was tested for all those STDs while she was there, suspicious and questioning of her most recent boy's fidelity. She was squeaky clean and part of the 20% of the population that has those bragging rights.
20% of the population. Four out of five potential partners could transmit more than what you bargained for during that gettin to know you period if you move too fast and furiously, entangled in the throes of passion and sweat and other body fluids.
It's not taboo these days to ask for a clean bill of health. I mean if he (or she) was a horse, he (or she) would need a health certificate to move across state lines or belong to certain boarding facilities. Making sure your potential horizontal tango partner has his STD free card is par for the course before he (or she) transfers into your bedroom.
20% of the population. Four out of five potential partners could transmit more than what you bargained for during that gettin to know you period if you move too fast and furiously, entangled in the throes of passion and sweat and other body fluids.
It's not taboo these days to ask for a clean bill of health. I mean if he (or she) was a horse, he (or she) would need a health certificate to move across state lines or belong to certain boarding facilities. Making sure your potential horizontal tango partner has his STD free card is par for the course before he (or she) transfers into your bedroom.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Commandment numero uno
"You already have one asshole. You don't need another one." - Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
When the cock crows
"They fell asleep smiling. It is to erase the fixed smiles of sleeping couples that Satan trained roosters to crow at five in the morning." - Tom Robbins, Jitterbug Perfume
Saturday, March 21, 2009
If these books could talk
As she sat on the couch, sipping her tea, she stared at the numerous books stacked on the coffee table in front of her. Ovid's Metamorphoses, Dr. Helen Fisher's The First Sex: The Natural Talents of Women and How They are Changing the World, the infamous He's Just Not That into You, and the accessibly academic The Renown Goddess of Desire: Women, Sex & Speech in Tantra all lay there, resting next to her laptop, staring back at her.
"If these books had a conversation," she wondered, "what would they say to each other?"
"If these books had a conversation," she wondered, "what would they say to each other?"
Championing romantic love
My Lover Asks Me, by Syrian poet Nizar Qabbani
My lover asks me:
"What is the difference between me and the sky?"
The difference, my love,
Is that when you laugh,
I forget about the sky.
My lover asks me:
"What is the difference between me and the sky?"
The difference, my love,
Is that when you laugh,
I forget about the sky.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Man-bible study
If anyone wants to pick up a copy of the relationship text of Biblical importance -- He's Just Not That Into You -- and join our study group, just let me know. We'll help you pass that Relationship Studies course you might be enrolled in ...
Sunday, March 15, 2009
S.O.S. - Starstruck On Sight
How do we save ourselves when we can't see through all the stars and phermones with the Mr. Wrong, even though "he is SO beautiful / breathtaking / gorgeous / Adonis / cute" etc.?
When we need to wipe disillusionment from our eyes, or the eyes of our friends in this predicament, we need to consult The Red Flag Rubric: He May Be Cute, But:
1. does he bore you?
2. is he bored by you?
3. do you do all the calling / emailing / whatever?
4. does he have a job? a career path?
5. does he actively work on his "superior man" work?
6. is he healthy? fit? -aholic?
7. do you have anything substantial in common?
...and then, consult the man list. Remind yourself what you really want, and then place the Stunning Mr. Hotness back into the scenery and adore him from afar like you would the most lovely sunset.
When we need to wipe disillusionment from our eyes, or the eyes of our friends in this predicament, we need to consult The Red Flag Rubric: He May Be Cute, But:
1. does he bore you?
2. is he bored by you?
3. do you do all the calling / emailing / whatever?
4. does he have a job? a career path?
5. does he actively work on his "superior man" work?
6. is he healthy? fit? -aholic?
7. do you have anything substantial in common?
...and then, consult the man list. Remind yourself what you really want, and then place the Stunning Mr. Hotness back into the scenery and adore him from afar like you would the most lovely sunset.
Cliff notes, part deux
... and what should I do during this 90 day waiting period if I can't have sex with him and so I can find out who he really is, you ask?
Enter in golden nugget #2: the 5 questions to ask your man before you get in over your head.
These are questions that should be discussed not only within the first 3 months, but possibly, with in the first month, or even the first 3 dates. His answers to these questions will give you your answers about "where this [you&him] is going."
1. What are your short term goals?
2. What are your long term goals?
3. What are your views on relationships? (friendships, dating, family, work, etc.)
4. What do you think about me?
5. What do you feel about me?
Notes for #1
a. make sure he has short term goals and that what he's currently doing now is in line with where he wants to be.
b. see how you fit into those short terms goals: i.e. if those short terms goals include time for a you, or if he's really unavailable.
Notes for #2
a. make sure his long term goals fit with his current path, short term goals, etc.
b. do you see yourself in his long term plan?
Notes for #3
a. this will clue you in to his views on family life, family issues, past relationships, work relationship theory, what he thinks a long-term / ideal relationship is like, etc.
b. compare your ideals / views with his, and make note of the incongruities
Notes for #4
a. he should say more than: "I think you're nice." Prod for specifics, get detailed responses. If he can't rattle off a handful of lovely things about you, then he hasn't been paying attention.
b. He should be paying attention.
Notes for #5
a. This one is key for any forthcoming interactions with said dude: intimacies, dates, conversations, or a biddance of thee farewell.
b. He should be able to articulate how he feels about you, even though it may be hard for him to go to that emotional place that he really doesn't like to visit often.
c. if there's no verbal display of feelings, then take silence as the answer to move on.
d. if he passes this question, gold star.
Enter in golden nugget #2: the 5 questions to ask your man before you get in over your head.
These are questions that should be discussed not only within the first 3 months, but possibly, with in the first month, or even the first 3 dates. His answers to these questions will give you your answers about "where this [you&him] is going."
1. What are your short term goals?
2. What are your long term goals?
3. What are your views on relationships? (friendships, dating, family, work, etc.)
4. What do you think about me?
5. What do you feel about me?
Notes for #1
a. make sure he has short term goals and that what he's currently doing now is in line with where he wants to be.
b. see how you fit into those short terms goals: i.e. if those short terms goals include time for a you, or if he's really unavailable.
Notes for #2
a. make sure his long term goals fit with his current path, short term goals, etc.
b. do you see yourself in his long term plan?
Notes for #3
a. this will clue you in to his views on family life, family issues, past relationships, work relationship theory, what he thinks a long-term / ideal relationship is like, etc.
b. compare your ideals / views with his, and make note of the incongruities
Notes for #4
a. he should say more than: "I think you're nice." Prod for specifics, get detailed responses. If he can't rattle off a handful of lovely things about you, then he hasn't been paying attention.
b. He should be paying attention.
Notes for #5
a. This one is key for any forthcoming interactions with said dude: intimacies, dates, conversations, or a biddance of thee farewell.
b. He should be able to articulate how he feels about you, even though it may be hard for him to go to that emotional place that he really doesn't like to visit often.
c. if there's no verbal display of feelings, then take silence as the answer to move on.
d. if he passes this question, gold star.
Cliff notes, part 1
I spent the latter part of a recent Friday night discussing Steve Harvey's book, Act like a Lady, Think like a Man. My book partner and I, on our pursuit of filling in the book-study portion of our homework lessons on the subject of guys, determined that the book was a little light overall, but certainly offered at least a small handful of golden nuggets.
For cliff notes, part 1, Harvey suggests a 90 waiting period before jumping in the sack with a guy. He relates this to when he was working at Ford, and had to show up ready and eager to work the work before getting the must deserved rewards of insurance benefits and investment opportunities. This weeds out the worthwhile beaus from the flaky chaff of sport fishers who are just with you for [what Harvey calls] " the cookie."
For cliff notes, part 1, Harvey suggests a 90 waiting period before jumping in the sack with a guy. He relates this to when he was working at Ford, and had to show up ready and eager to work the work before getting the must deserved rewards of insurance benefits and investment opportunities. This weeds out the worthwhile beaus from the flaky chaff of sport fishers who are just with you for [what Harvey calls] " the cookie."
I need a sign
"Did you see that one guy who looked really put-together, with the soul patch -- he even looked like he still had a job -- over on the other side of the room from us?" she asked her friend as they ruminated on the past jazz filled evening at a local coffee house.
"Oh yeah, the dark haired one, with the sunglasses. I noticed him too. Super cute." her friend replied.
"Yeah, and he even carried out his girl's laptop case when they left. I watched him a bit last night. And kept thinking: "show me a sign that she's really your sister and not your wife.""
"Oh yeah, the dark haired one, with the sunglasses. I noticed him too. Super cute." her friend replied.
"Yeah, and he even carried out his girl's laptop case when they left. I watched him a bit last night. And kept thinking: "show me a sign that she's really your sister and not your wife.""
Thursday, March 12, 2009
That verb
"Desire changes the lover," writes Anne Carson in Eros the Bittersweet. "...he feels the change happen but has no ready category to assess it. The change gives him a sense of self he never knew before."
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Briskly flexing the freedom of choice
In her weekly love letter from her favorite astrologer, she ruminated much on this little ditty:
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One reason I've been put on this earth is to expose you to a kind of astrology that doesn't crush your free will, but instead clarifies your choices. In this horoscope, for instance, I'll crisply delineate your options so that you may decide upon a bold course of action that's most in tune with your highest values. Study the following multiple-choice query, then briskly flex your freedom of choice.
Would you rather have love:
1. knock the wind out of one of your illusions, thereby exposing the truth about what you really want;
2. not exactly kick you in the butt, but more like pinch and spank you there, inspiring you to revise your ideas about what it means to be close to someone;
3. spin you around in dizzying yet oddly pleasurable circles, shaking up your notions about how to keep intimacy both interestingly unpredictable and soothingly stable.
She mused, rolled all three around on her tongue, and flexed for #1.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One reason I've been put on this earth is to expose you to a kind of astrology that doesn't crush your free will, but instead clarifies your choices. In this horoscope, for instance, I'll crisply delineate your options so that you may decide upon a bold course of action that's most in tune with your highest values. Study the following multiple-choice query, then briskly flex your freedom of choice.
Would you rather have love:
1. knock the wind out of one of your illusions, thereby exposing the truth about what you really want;
2. not exactly kick you in the butt, but more like pinch and spank you there, inspiring you to revise your ideas about what it means to be close to someone;
3. spin you around in dizzying yet oddly pleasurable circles, shaking up your notions about how to keep intimacy both interestingly unpredictable and soothingly stable.
She mused, rolled all three around on her tongue, and flexed for #1.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Ridden with
Have you ever been in a relationship wrought with the big J: jealousy? Maybe you're in one now.
Jealousy is a big. red. flag. for many reasons. The main issue is insecurity, which is another red flag when not handled properly or used as a lesson for growth and letting go. As the non-jealous partner, it's your job to tactfully realize this unhealthy force before the healthy dynamic of your relationship spirals into a murky vortex. But, that often means a big shout out to your partner to do some deep inner work (i.e. "Holla, homeslice. But your insecurities are. not. my. issue. yo. Can you work on that, please?")
As Nikki would say: Jealousy is the symptom of non-relationship.
Jealousy is a big. red. flag. for many reasons. The main issue is insecurity, which is another red flag when not handled properly or used as a lesson for growth and letting go. As the non-jealous partner, it's your job to tactfully realize this unhealthy force before the healthy dynamic of your relationship spirals into a murky vortex. But, that often means a big shout out to your partner to do some deep inner work (i.e. "Holla, homeslice. But your insecurities are. not. my. issue. yo. Can you work on that, please?")
As Nikki would say: Jealousy is the symptom of non-relationship.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Tips for the girls, & boys
Dismayed on the dating scene? Questions about authentic relationships? Need some juicy insights? Want to grow this spring?
Check out Personal Life Media's programs and podcasts led by enchanting hosts and savory, worthwhile guests. Stream some aural enlightenment for your embodied existence and experience with others.
Start here: Just for Women: Dating & Relationships
Scroll down until you find the programs ready for streaming...
Get ready for greatness.
Check out Personal Life Media's programs and podcasts led by enchanting hosts and savory, worthwhile guests. Stream some aural enlightenment for your embodied existence and experience with others.
Start here: Just for Women: Dating & Relationships
Scroll down until you find the programs ready for streaming...
Get ready for greatness.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Much to be desired
"I've just been so unimpressed by boys lately," she told her friend over brunch. "It just takes seconds for me to see right through them, to catch a whiff of their issues, and find nothing that holds my attention long enough before a disheartening feeling of "I don't have time for this one..." fills my being with a sense of relief... I really like my single space these days. Besides providing fodder for great discussions with the girls, guys just aren't interesting me lately."
(Hard) Work
For those of you familiar with the Work of Byron Katie, you're familiar with all of the ways she'll make you want to say: "Leggo my ego!" But, for the sake of the present and your living future of this now and the next, her work is immanently important. Consider this little meditation on The Husband.
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