Tuesday, August 5, 2008

On the Richter scale of love

If you were to rate your current relationship on a scale of one to 10, where would you find your self? Where would your partner be?

Consider it your love number: At the low end, one means looking forward to divorce. 10 likens itself to the strong, affirmative desire and intention and excitement (think of the line Mr. Darcy echoed in the best love quote ever: "...I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.").

It it difficult to sustain a relationship if there is greater than 2 points difference between each partner's perceived love ranking.

Likewise, if both constituents are sitting mid-range (4-5-6) in mediocrity and ho-hum-ness, they can settle in that rut until the gaps between love numbers increases unsettling, thus tipping the scales to something either more fulfilling and alive or resulting in a breaking free or dissolving of whatever weak bonding mechanism keep things together.

Perhaps we've seen the mediocrity more than the matching high numerical digits from lovers. I think of my parents and grandparents (and other couples from that generation) who stuck it out for the sake of sticking it out, because that's what you did even when your spirit was writhing and withering.

I don't think it's unreal to expect a correlating elevated degree of desire, aliveness and intent (and thusly, passion) between lovers in a committed partnership. If that's not there, what keeps a relationship together in low-gear? If you're not firing on all cylinders, are you doing anyone (self included) any favors?


Anonymous said...

What if that which is "fulfilling and alive" is found some place else while living in the "ho-hum" of your partner's shadow. Letting them have the "comfort" level they have settled into all the while you have continued on in life as though you have a roommate. Someone who shares in the bills, ocassionally has benefits, but otherwise, each life is individual, lived individually and crosses paths on a rare Sunday morning spent sleeping in past 5am or a dinner out. Life never really brought together but lived beside each other. Yes, it is perfect to have separate lives. It is amazing to have someone stand beside you. But are they really standing you? Next to you is probably better, like a stranger on the street waiting for the sign to flash "walk". That is as beside they stand. Or perceived that they stand or maybe after years it is as close you want them to stand. After all, life evolved around their presence but did not include their presence.

What then?

What happens when suddenly they push for better? Suddenly, they want to mess lives on some level, keeping the sense of self and individuality, which is healthy and good, but want to now intrude or rather add a new part into your life, so as to have a part of life together. Is there room for that extra bit? Suppose there is room for any amount of additions if one wants to ad them. But what if there is not? Something, always has to give and ultimately if something is given up to add something then there is a good chance an important ingredient is removed and the recipe of life is changed. Maybe the recipe tastes better this way, maybe it is a good enough substitute that life still resemebles itself, or maybe it is sacrine: a sad replacement with a funny after taste, that may or may not cause cancer. Sugar is still the better choice of ingredients and should never be replaced.

What then?

What if there is just no more room for added ingredients and no intention of removing one to make room for another? What if cutting back on one is not even an option or consideration?

What then?

Anonymous said...

not sure what number to give myself.

ready to let go. not ready to go back to what we had unless 1. something big changes, 2. there's a spark.

I always look for miracles.