Waiting for a good O

Sex complicates things. So does trying to talk about it over instant messenger while at work. Sometimes an email sent ex post facto of an IM session gone awry in hopes to clear things up doesn't always get the point across, either. Sigh. And, in the meantime, I'm still waiting for a good O.


SUBJECT: Let me explain
Date: spring 2003
To: him
From: her

Re: "...but the thing is, I am interested."

So, you said you were interested. Well, I'm calling all interested parties...there's just so much to say. Let's pick up where we left off: talking about sex re: what works, what doesn't, what isn't, what does and/or very well could, and why this conversations are to be had in the sanctity of rapt attention.

Sometimes it is hard to talk to you, whether via msn or face to face. Even on the phone at work it sucks to try to talk because you are doing so many things at once, all at the same time, in perfect ADD fashion. Work is no place for these discussions anyway. And sometimes, you can change a subject so fast that I am left wondering what the hell I was just talking about that the conversation took off on another tangent entirely. Even though you ARE listening, to the person talking (me) it is difficult to pick up the "I am being listened to" vibes. And it feels like I am talking for the sake of talking, and you are not in the same conversation long enough to really dive into the conversation and get a feel for the concerns. And it is frustrating when it feels like the reaction that I do get is a reaction to a point that was not a main concern. Then it really makes me wonder what happened to the listening half of the party. And it does get frustrating. (did I mention that?) It is like I am there, but only there to get done or finished or solved in a very 'project' sort of way. Not everyone works on the short synapses and lightning fast responses that a well-oiled multi-tasker can respond with. It's a different mode of course, a slower one. A fine-tuned ear.

Simultaneously, it is about the connection part of the communication. The connection that holds the conversation together, the glue of the dialog. It takes two to dialog, not as sultry and sweaty as a tango, per se, but it instills just as much in terms of an erotic connection. I was trying to get to this point when the MSN convo went down the crapper. Sometimes I feel that the connection is lost on matters beyond the coital act. That sometimes it is not about the O, but the little touches and excitations, before and after your O. It makes me feel more like I just shared something with you rather than feeling like a good moist hole. Sometimes it is as simple as pillow talk. Or something where I know you want to understand where I am, want to find me where I'm at, laugh with me there, some response connecting from your end. Something so I dont feel like a squeaky blowup doll with gumby parts. That's where the grocery list gets written.

I don't want to say that I get that feeling like a sidedish everytime, but there are many times when I feel like I could be any warm moist hole underneath you. I realize that it is difficult for you not to lose all coherence with the warmth of the apple pie. And maybe I am still clinging to some meaning that doesnt exist in sex, as you have stated before, but seriously: without an intense sense of connection, I can feel like a whore for your pleasure only. And that is not right. It takes two to tango.

If your interest perks in regards to how I feel about sex with you, then here it is as candid as I can make it. There's no quick and easy formula for this, but I can point off little things that do rub me the right/wrong ways, so to speak. That may be more simple than going down and tongueing depths of the Mysterium Tremendum for answers.

What works is as individual as the women themselves. I am a new open book -- and more than just a two page picture book. I have obviously not found what unlocks the full explosive potential of the mighty O. You are my first. There have been times which the clit was raving, and the tremors began in the vaginal walls, the blood was surging. Sensations started to woft up my body, like a sublte wave. Sometimes something made me shudder. Sometimes it would vanish faster than it came. Sometimes it was building, and then you came first. That sensation came from down there being warm, lubed, and pulsing with hearty circluation. A feeling that something was working, was flowing. It was rhythmic, undulating, like waves crashing upon the shore. Like the deep pulse of blood through the heart... But that's as far as it got. A lot of those times, I really felt like I was almost on the same page as you. We were crashing on each other's shore, or riding the wave together, and then you just ended.

Funny thing about that clit, it needs attention - but don't stop there. There are times when the spontaneity works, and there are times when I feel so not ready physically, like I can't catch up to your extent of warmed-up'd-ness as fast as you get there. I need to be primed, to wake up the sensitivity everywhere, to make the back of my knees goose-bumpy, to make my toes curl with giddyness. I need the sorts of touches and tingles that wake the nerves, and help my thoughts reside for a while and relax into the realm of sensation. I always feel like finding you after a yoga session. There is a relaxed and subtle energy that makes wanting to be laid a desired next session.

PS: Sorry to meddle in your astrological blessings, but how rowdy is this?

ARIES: I've been scouring herbal textbooks and tantric literature to find out if there's such a thing as a labor-intensive aphrodisiac -- in other words, a stimulus that would inspire you to work hard to become a fantastic lover. I'm not saying your amorous skills are inferior, Aries, just that there's room for improvement. The coming weeks will be an excellent time, astrologically speaking, to apply yourself to this worthy project. And if I do run across that labor-intensive aphrodisiac, I'll let you know. In the meantime, pursue the leads that your intuition provides. And remember this: The capacities that make you a great lover have only marginally to do with physical techniques and mostly to do with emotional intelligence and spiritual ingenuity.

And remember this part: The capacities that make you a great lover have only marginally to do with physical techniques and mostly to do with emotional intelligence and spiritual ingenuity...this is what I was trying to say all along.