Monday, December 29, 2008

La-Z boy

"Could you... - would you... - in a recliner?" she asked with a smile that was bursting with an adventurous tale.

Her friend raised her eyebrows, simultaneously surprised and impressed.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I can." she winked assuredly. "Twas fun. He's nice. Kind of a nerd tho... It was his old recliner from home. Totally doesn't match his cute little place, but he couldn't get rid of it. So when things got frisky, I asked him if it's ever been christened. He said never, so we proceeded to turn it into a La-Z boy with benefits."

On vibrate mode

"OMFG, My phone won't stop vibrating!" she exclaimed, a bit frustrated.

"Just stick it in your pants, you'll love it." her friend winked.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Bedtimes character

"Now I'm giving up on them if I can't get off within the first three encounters of the sexual kind. I mean, if they don't take any interest to put me first, or even second, after three times, then they obviously aren't attentive about how I really feel..." she said.

The key to never-lasting

"I was reading about this study that predicted the longevity of a marriage after watching a couple interact for just 15 minutes, and do you know what the number one indicator was for a doomed outcome?" she asked her freshly divorcing friend in the seat next to her as they drove along. "Contempt."

"So is that like bitterness and resentment?" the divorcee asked.

"No, it's worse. It's the feeling that you are better than the other person."

"OMG." she looked at her friend admittedly, her eyes wide, and laughed, knowing that sentiment all too well.

"I do it too, and although it's not one of my finer traits, I just can't help it. I don't demean him, but the thoughts I have towards him... I feel like I have to lower myself to his level all the time. And, that's so draining. I want to be with someone who's on my wavelength..."


She smiled to herself at her latest resolution - the resolve of her latest crush. Her mind reeled in rewind through all the crushes she's had since she started noticing that boys existed. There was Tim, Scotty, the 3 Dans, India Boy, the cute waiter at her favorite restaurant, her bodyworker. The way all the stories unfolded, though different in details, all had the same outcome: they were all unrequited. That realization made her laugh. But they were such priceless memories...

Due by Wednesday

"... So, now I'm trying to figure out if there's a correlation between kissing skill and horizontal tussle skills," she said. "I'm thinking that they are not correlated, but I encourage you to do your own research. I want to hear a boy story from you by Wednesday."

"Did I just get a homework assignment?!" her friend's attention piqued. "By Wednesday!? Does this mean that I have to leave the house...?"


"I can't just petition the universe for Orlando Bloom?"


"I'll see what I can come up with by then..." her friend whined with reluctance. Yet, she knew that New Year's was just around the corner and that night had to be good for something.


"It's not the size of the tool. It's how they use it. Good things can come in small packages," she said wryly.

Nothing to sneeze at

"I'm going to see him later," she said. "He mentioned that he was over his cold."

"You know what that means... " her friend insinuated.

"Uh huh. Maybe his kissing will improve..."

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Bestselling daydreams

It's bound to be a memoir one day, she thought. And then, a movie with Johnny Depp as the lead male actor...

Good for sumthin'

She connected with her co-conspirator after a long (two-week) hiatus. The exchange of holiday wishes, what's-ups and what-nots went something like this:

"Yeah, so I think I've finally given up on this one. I mean, I've really let go of the idea that anything romantical will happen. I've been pretty clear about where I'm at, and he never has been uber clear about where he's at after any of my confessions. I guess, I could read into covert things he's said, but then again, what do I choose to read into? Do I ignore the lines that seem to be incinerating something else? Wth, right? I mean we've been plenty close - with nothin."

"In my experience, I've pretty much gathered that if a guy is into me after one or two dates, he makes no hesitation to kiss me and proceed to take my clothes off. I'll report back with more definitive conclusions in about one week. I'm working on another experiment."

"Wow, you think that's really it? the fast and furious? Is that all we can expect from them?"

"Men can give you so many disheartening insights..."

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Once when you were

"So yesterday while I was running errands, I heard this song by the Moody Blues," she said as they walked her dog down the canyon road. "I can't remember the name but it went something like: "... I wonder where you are, I wonder if you think about me, la la la la la, in your wildest la la."

"Oh, yeah! I know that one," her little friend said, recognizing the trademark "la la la's."

"... And, for whatever reason, the song got me thinking about my ex-husband. So, then I went into the store to pick up some stuff on my list, and who do I see? Him. He was there with his fiance on the day before their wedding."

"Wow. It was cool, tho?"

"Oh yeah. But it was curious - the whole encounter and the soundtrack and the day before their wedding."

"Curious indeed," the little one concurred. "You know, I hear about this stuff a lot -- how before someone gets married they run into or hear from all their exes, or at least, some of them. Isn't that wild? I mean, what kind of hallmark card is the universe saying in those moments?" She paused before continuing another train of thought: "... And, why is it that the guys end up remarrying so much sooner after a divorce than the women do? I really don't get it..."

A good hair day

Her day was decorated with pleasantries. It was an extra ordinary day from her usual warm shower, to donning her superhero belt, packing her normal fare for lunch and heading to the office to start the week of work. The day felt clear, her subtle ways were heard and she was full of purpose.

For whatever reason, her light reflected back to her by others and warmed the sub-freezing temps that made her breath visible: the guys at the customer service desk greeted her at the bank; there was nothing but season's greetings in the mailbox; a random act of kindness was given in the busy parking lot of the grocers, and when she was done bagging her edible delights for the week, the grocery clerk leaned over and said, "By the way, your hair looks great today."

Monday, December 22, 2008

The brightside

Whilst she was diligently typing her work day away, her cell phone chimed a classic indie tune. The number on the screen was an old friend from many great adventures past.

They greeted each other on the line as if no time had lapsed between them. The last time they had seen each other was a year ago after Thanksgiving when they caught up on the milestones in each other's lives that had passed over 4 years. She only had the long term relationship, house purchase, domestication and marriage news. Her friend was toting around her news with similar headlines, as well as an accessory in diapers.

This time, however, she could deliver the latest on the dissolution of all she had spoken of just a year prior. How the process was mutual and mature, everyone was fine, the house was sold and they were ahead despite the market, how the final parts were almost over, how she felt a bit like she was on vacation.

"I just wanted to call you and see how you've been," her friend said as she drove her babe around town. "Things have gotten more stressful here as the baby's health has taken a downturn, and his daddy still can't hold a job. I can't even remember the last time we had sex..." she paused before continuing. "I think I stopped telling you how everything was going for me, because I knew all I wanted to really say was that sometimes I'm so jealous of you!"

Sunday, December 21, 2008

If not, winter

She had always wanted a garden in the whole backyard, to have the tools for self-sustainability and nourishment just a backdoor thresh hold away. He seemed reluctant to indulge the idea, thinking of resale value not arable land at their fingertips.

That spring, they worked on it together, building a foundation primed for new growth. He was reluctant, still. She wondered what the fuss was about. She planted the seeds and awaited the fresh nourishment, the fruits of their labor.

Her garden was abundant with momentary delectables and freshness and contemplation. It was the grounding in her summer days as she cultivated that space as it cycled through harvesting and new starts. She savored every moment, every bite, allowing it to fill her up with its vibrant lessons. He wondered what the fuss was about.

By the first freeze, the fall harvest, the gourds and squashes, had been piled up by the back door, ready for the oven. The beds had been covered and tucked in with debris from the summer. By snowfall, she barely went back there. The back door stayed locked, even though there were still some winter squash piled near the door, what remains of the summer garden.


"What do you mean 'nothing'...?" she inquisitively raised an eyebrow.

"I mean 'nothing' as in I've got nothing." her friend answered. "No physical boundaries have been crossed, if you catch my drift."

"And you've been hanging out this long? And, you've told him everything?" her eyebrow still raised in questioning disbelief.

Her friend looked back at her wide-eyed, nodding slightly, fully knowing the duration of the meet-cute continuum. "I don't really feel like I need to make the proverbial "moves" - it's pretty obvious at this point. I mean, maybe he's just not into me like that...? I can live with that. Maybe I just need to let go of this and move on to more consummate delicacies on the horizon?"

"You know what I'd do? I'd just say: "Hey, I want to kiss you." And then do it. I did that once to a guy, and he thanked me for being so forward."

Intention & attention

"Hey, where's your boy?" the hostess asked. "You should have brought him."

"Working," she said. And, in a second breath added: "I don't really know what we are anyway..."

"What do you mean?" another woman asked.

"Well, at what point do you consider spending a metric ton of time together as BFF-hood or dating? Do weekends together with no horizontal tussles count as dating? I mean, we spend a lot of quality time together. What is dating these days?"

"I was just reading an article in the New York Times that said the old ways of dating are gone or, at least, reversed," the woman said over a plate of party aperitifs. "Nowadays, people have quick hook ups and then decide if they want to date someone."

"I realize my current state of affairs is against the norm, and I like it better that way. But, sometimes it's kinda ambiguous. What is the difference between 'hanging out' and 'dating'?" she asked intently, ready for the woman's response. "I feel like it has something to do with intention..."

"Yes. It's a matter of focus," the woman replied. "Attention with intention."

Friday, December 19, 2008


"How's your platomance? You know, your platonic - romance." her friend teased with a wink, trying to get the latest of juicy stories capturing how 'nothing happened'.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

By chance

"Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance." - Jane Austen

Monday, December 15, 2008

Man pattern

"I love knitting mittens," she said. "I have a man mitten pattern at home I need to try. I almost said that as a man pattern. Imagine if we could knit our own man!"

Her fellow knitter laughed. "Knitting your own man sounds like the yarn of a GREAT story. A novella stitching together myth and fairy tale and the course of desire through the most toilsome journey of all: the quest for the perfect man..."


They posed her with a question, a proposition summoning her knitting skills: "Can you make a set of 3 gloves? So that the middle one is big enough for two hands? You know, mittens for handholding lovers. We like to think of it as the g(love)."

Sunday, December 14, 2008


"You must wear a lot of layers when you go to parties," she said. "Because you never know how many layers you'll be taking off."

Peace & spankings

They walked briskly back down the trail, on their way home to lunch. A beautiful couple with a cute shepard puppy walked by.

As they hiked pass the trio, oogled and cooed at the puppiness, and wished the picture-perfect couple a good hike, she said to her cohort: "She had great hair. Shiny, good highlights, great cut."

"Yeah." he concurred. "She had great spankability."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


She contemplated her most recent horoscope with intrigue:

"After meditating on how best to energize your love life, I decided to direct you to this passage from John Welwood's book *Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wound of the Heart*: "Everyone knows perfect love in their heart, for the human heart is a direct channel through which absolute love pours into this world. At the same time, human relationships are imperfect expressions of that love. This creates a painful gap between the perfect love we know in our hearts and the imperfect, incomplete ways it is expressed in our relationships. When we imagine that relative human love should be something it is not -- absolutely unconditional -- we suffer disappointment and wind up distrusting love itself. We also hold grievances against others for not loving us rightly or against ourselves for not having won that love. This gives rise to a universal human wound -- the sense of not feeling loved for who we are.""

Monday, December 8, 2008

In praise of slowness

"How am I doing?" he asked.

"Go slower," she said.