Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Now, I'm going to go practice my tongue-asanas...
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
"Good relationships inspire each partner to the best of themselves; the best inspire both partners to create — together — something of special significance, a greater good, a union of two individuals that bears the fruit of something even more sublime than possible on their own."
"In that high place in the darkness, the two oddly sensitive human atoms held each other tightly and waited. In the mind of each was the same thought: “I have come to this lonely place and here is this other.”" - Sherwood Anderson - Winesburg, Ohio
"I'm tired of waiting," she said to herself. It only took a New York minute to book that ticket after all that deliberation and 'head vs.heart' mumbling. Her big spirit reserves needed some filling at the big city watering hole of creative buzz - and other adorable and chocolate dipped sights.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
In a sense, relationships are the new ashram.
Like the Eskimo's many words for 'snow', the word 'love' has a plethora of meanings in our culture -- from the romance of chemistry, to the results of arranged marriages, and all the many layers of Hollywood's silver screen imprints in between -- What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion? With all these nuances and images, lyrics and emotions, do we really know what love is? What does real love look like?
A few years back, I asked this of my therapist at the time: "What's an ideal relationship look like?"
He replied that once a commitment is made the main theme in a healthy relationship should be about personal growth: "I think marriage is a state of firm long-term intention to do our best to be in a mutually supportive relationship, "in sickness and in health." This is how arranged marriages can be so enduring, and romantic marriages so often end in divorce. The fundamental concept also has to do with purpose. If the purpose of marriage is to have the other person make us happy, we are in for a rough ride because they will inevitably disappoint in one way or another. If the purpose of life is the fulfillment of consciousness - and we are intentionally, consciously using marriage as a way to confront and work with our limitations and complex personality structures - we have a chance."
Easier said than done - indeed. No one ever said inner work was a piece of cake, but with the right intention and momentous presence, hopefully you can have your cake and eat it too.
"It's not that." he said. "You've always been amazingly independent and content with yourself -- both are great qualities, you shouldn't change. But some guys don't know how to even touch that. There's no weak spot."
This subtle revelation made her re-consider, momentarily, the aspect of "the hunt" in which the boys are to lead in this game. Maybe the culture of courtship asks too much of boys to play the instigator? (What happened to Grecian goddess of the same character - that of the huntress complete unto herself? The gods got creative...and great stories were made.) To counteract the imposing nature she apparently aired, she could let any forthcoming beaus know she was interested, but subtly, so as to not create a scene. But then, she had her druthers. She'd rather be pursued, by a confident god.
And, perhaps, through this lens, there is a different view of the original note that started it all: "When love hits, just go with it."
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Luckily, the PM HQ NYC correspondant-on-call calmly issued the best advice to settle the flurry with simple zen-like wisdom:
"Just show interest if you are interested.
Don't try. Just be.
If you find that you're interested, be interested.
If that is all you ever do, you will be fine."
Saturday, October 10, 2009
As she burrowed into the warmth of her bedding, she mulled over a question posed to her the evening prior: 'What are you thinking right ... now?' If she were to utter a response at this very moment, it would not be channeling the voice in her head, but instead shooting from the hip. Her 'now' felt more like this: "my body wants your body. close."
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Then, she turned around and opened to the water racing towards her from the falls. The flow of the current rushed past with gusto, filling her up. "I'm ready for a new love story," she said.
Caller: "I've had a crush on him for so long, and there he is. Again. Is this a sign? A joke? I'm trying to dim my hopeless romantic tendencies, but I need to talk to someone. It's been so fun to reconnect after I thought we'd never cross paths again..."
Hot PM line assistant: "OK, I'll walk you through this. Just breathe deep into your belly. The first step is to not be so quick to respond. Let it linger. In a sense, wait for his lead. Let him wonder where you are, what you're up to, what you're wearing. Let him call and check in. Wait for him to call you. Remember this: If he's not dying to hear the sound of your voice, your laugh and your deep thoughts, he's not fully alive."
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Her friend raised an eyebrow, but sniffed the lingering scents from the perfume counter, as she narrated the choices she sampled and bought.
"And, there's one coming out for winter, that is just amazing," she continued.
"Does it smell like roses and chocolate?" her friend asked.
"Oh no," she replied excitedly. "This one smells like mystery and sex."
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
- from Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other, by Osho
- from Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other, by Osho
Thursday, July 23, 2009
One day when he wasn't taking the magnitude of his rippling crisis seriously, she harnessed her inner Bodhidharma and decided to issue a wake up call, hoping that he would get his proverbial shit together.
She looked at him, in the middle of a discussion about their "us" that was meandering nowhere, and spoke with the love and sincerity of a zen master: "Don't f*cking waste my time. And I won't waste yours."
She grabbed them. "Whoops. Those aren't on your diet. I'll have to take those away from you."
"Give me back my donuts!" he said, surprised and hungry.
"I'm doing you a favor," she said.
"I haven't started my diet yet," he said.
"Yeah, but you shouldn't eat those," she said.
"I'll eat anything round with a hole in it," he said.
A smile crept over her face as she began to laugh. "You should use that as a pick-up line."
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
As the applause amped to a crescendo, the spotlights flash on the band. The lead singer took to the mic and introduced her voice into the evening air, as the crowd went wild:
"We're the French Ticklers," she smiled above the roar of the audience. "We're so glad you came. This first song will really get into your pants."
"I just don't get it," she said. "All my friends keep talking about their vibrators. I've never been into it. I just prefer the real thing."
"I used to feel that way," her friend said. "But, you've also had good sex. I, on the other hand, have never had that experience, so the vibrator is great. It's better, faster, easier to clean up after. It's like "wham, bam, thank you Duracell.'"
"We had some wonderfully poignant conversations at the end where he would start sharing his reflections with me, as if to counsel," her friend said.
"Did he share big life lessons?" she inquired.
"Yeah, he did," her friend said quietly. "He said, 'Never let work get in the way of a relationship.'"
She smiled, and knew how awful it was to be with someone who was married to their job first.
As a progress report, all I know is this:
The men keep appearing left and right, and then dropping like flies because of 'the list.' This list leads to great clarity and peace of mind, but leaves us wondering where all the potential suitors are?
Only mildly concerned,
PS. Is timing everything?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
As they reached the end of the route, she turned to her friend and said, "You know, these are really the best times of our lives. We really need to enjoy it."
Her friend raised an eyebrow at her reasoning, in questioning not disagreement. She knew how much the availability of her friends' calendars changed once a boy took the spotlight in their daily routine.
"We have so much time to ourselves as singularities. I mean, if we had boyfriends, we wouldn't have time to be out this early on a Sunday. We'd be too busy having sex."
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Being in a culture befuddled with a seriously confused cultural concept of love, it's hard to keep your wits about you if you're letting yourself be charmed and wooed by a potential suitor. Therefore it's imperative to process your gut feelings, your emotions, the facts, your projections and perceptions, etc., before getting caught up in the rush of it all and losing your bearings.
This is the process of Manalyzing, with the precept that it's good to train so that you're ready to run when you need to.
Manalyzing is a circular exercise of discussion that helps process the information streaming in from all the channels of the human experience -- all the many ways of knowing -- so as to work through the crossed lines of confusion to a grounded place of understanding what's going on.
Often, there are mixed signals to untangle. Before you waste beautiful bouquets on the 'he loves me/loves me not' riddle, start noting the signals you're getting: "He does [this] which makes me think he likes me, but then he does [this] which says the opposite? WTF?"
Pay close attention to your intuition, how you physically react in said dude's presence, and go with your gut if you sense any overt incongruities -- which are blatant red flags. (Red flags, no matter how flippant at first glance, should not be ignored - especially if they start flying at full mast within the first 3 months of a relationship.)
While you're tuning in to the situation, listen to your self as you try to sort it out. Are you making excuses for him already? If you answered yes to this question, please cross reference your man list. It's around 100 points for a reason: it details what you want, not the unclear loser that you don't need.
Is he matching any of the points on the man-list? Is he missing the boat? Is he really that hot that all the red flags don't matter? (The answer is 'No', btw.) [Just a reminder that the red flags are a warning of the clear and present danger to the precious, beautiful you that deserves to not have to worry about how to protect yourself in the midst of all this trouble / impending plague of doom.]
It helps to manalyze with a good friend who can help you see clearly, even when you're feeling muddled. Even if there's an attraction, the dude must clear the list itemizing the articles provided herein.
"He asked if I wanted something to drink," she said.
Her friend smiled. "I'm cracking up. He's totally crushing on you. This is so cute."
She didn't know what to think. She hadn't been crushed on recently, and vaguely remembered all of the guys that had crushed on her in the past. She never reciprocated, except for the persistent one, which she had ended up marrying way back when.
When would she have one of those mutual attraction moments? You know, the kind where that moment of simultaneous 'being seen' from across the room transcends the time-space continuum, propels you to each other, and the first thing you say when you reach that person face-to-face is a pleasantly exasperated 'where have you been?'?
The waiting was the hardest part. Until then, she was leading a full and intense life, knowing that what she was seeking was also seeking her.
She thought he was the shit. He was cute. She was cute. They were perfect. And, their birthdays were a day apart. (And to her sophomoric mind, if that doesn't scream 'cosmic soul mate' status, what does?)
Of course, like all her crushes, nothing ever happened. She wasn't into playing the game (what game?) and hated games in general, so the flirty girls in the dorm captured his attention, and she pretended not to notice. They had a rapport as friends with strong mutual interests, backgrounds, smarts, and always something worthwhile to talk about.
When she left that beloved university town to finish up her degree in her home state before moving on to the idyllic mountain town for her graduate coursework, they lost touch. But, she thought of him often and randomly, like every time she saw a white Subaru. Some days, she had this strange feeling that he was here, they just hadn't crossed paths yet.
Her thoughts kept circling back to him more frequently as of late. She found herself contemplating all of this in the freezer section at the local grocery store, while getting smoothie ingredients and trying to ignore the coconut ice cream and all the pies. As she was tossing bags of strawberries into her cart and reaching back into the cold for more mango chunks, she heard a familiar sounding voice coming from behind the glass door of the frozens case that was fogging up from the warmer air of the aisle. She stepped back, let the door go with a bouncy slam, and there he was.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
"Where do you want to go?" she asked her friend, as they stood above the lawn. "This side of the band or the other?"
"Let's go to the other side," her friend replied, looking mildly nervous about busting a move out in the sea of other movers and shakers.
Once they has assumed their positions close to the music, and there was grass between their toes, she kept scanning the crowd, waving hello to the people she knew. As they grooved on with the best of them, and she had begun to forget her aforementioned focus, it was then that she saw him.
"Ohmigawd! he is here!" she laughed to her friend, with a big grin.
"I never got to see him at the restaurant," her friend replied, trying to figure out who she was so excited about.
Ah, how she loved these seemingly Carpe Diem moments that were known to others as ballsy, when she would throw caution to the wind and go for it. She motioned with her hand to follow, and said, "Let's go say hi..."
They sat at the quaint table by the tall windows overlooking the stunning mid summer view of dusk on the town's noteworthy landscape, and talked over the evening's itinerary of news, happenings, plot twists, desires and other points of discussion as they enjoyed their light happy hour fare and swirled their house reds between beaming and laughter.
Somewhere between drinks and dinner, but before dessert, a tall dark beau caught the little one's eye, and he held her gaze. She couldn't tell if he was just visiting, or a resident, but regardless, he looked like he had just come from a bouldering - tousled hair, sunglasses resting on his head like the crown of a recreating Adonis. "Ooh, enticing," she thought, and tried to focus back on the main dish of the evening, catching up with her favorite girls and the dessert menu. He caught her gaze again as he walked down the stairs to leave. She took it as a good sign, and silently hoped that he'd be at the dance on the patio at the St. Exspendy Hotel later.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
She arrived at the correct date and time for the blind meet-greet, and the man she had been expecting was no where to be seen. Another boy was in his place, and she tried hard to hide the disappointment from the barometer of her tell-tale face.
And therein lie the headlining lesson: expectations (as in, the ones that her imagination had been running away with for over a week).
After that day, she knew that if this Blind Date thing picked up, the rules needed to be changed. There needed to be no preliminary screening or briefing or information exchanged from the mediating party. Both of the blind participants needed to be prepared to be surprised - for better or for worse. The no peeking rule needed to be mandatory to protect the silver lining in the cloud of unknowing.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
As he demonstrated the way that their axis should be complimenting each other, and how it shouldn't look and feel, he asked: "Do you feel the difference? It's like you want to be here. You're in this moment and that's all there is."
As they moved up and down the length of the dance floor, her chest resting on his, he spoke his reminders to her as if they were a mantra: "Come closer. There. Reach back more with your legs, as far as they'll go. Aliven your spine. Yes. Come closer, still. Yes. Feel the subtle spiral with each step. Breathe. Breathe with each standing leg. There. Let your hips go. Even more. Yes. Shake that serpent awake..."
She looked up at him, surprised by what he said. She had to laugh: this was the third time in a week that reference to her Kundalini had arisen in private conversation. "That's my homework for the year," she said, as she felt a part of her shell, another layer, crack and fall to the floor like a small existential breakthrough. They kept moving in the line of dance, heart to heart.
As they had reached the end of the floor, he stopped. "Did you feel that?" he asked. "Did you feel the connection, that's what this dance is about."
She nodded and noted, "It's hard to be that way if you really aren't feeling the connection with your partner. I can't seem to fake it."
"I want you to know and be that for yourself, no matter who you're with. You can't meet rigidity with rigidity. Some partners won't even get what we just did. You have be this for yourself. I want you to own it. It's yours - don't let any partner take that from you."
And with that, another layer fell to the floor and shattered as her little heart opened a bit more. She looked at him with eyes at the tear threshold and confessed the bigger take home assignment that had been universally issued that year.
Virgo for the week of June 25:
There's a better than even chance that you're about to embark on a Summer of Love. To improve your odds even more, meditate on the following questions.
1. What qualities do you look for in a lover that you would benefit from developing more fully in yourself?
2. What do you think are your two biggest delusions about the way love works?
3. Is there anything you can do to make yourself more lovable?
4. Is there anything you can do to be more loving?
5. Are you willing to deal with the fact that any intimate relationship worth pursuing will inevitably evoke the most negative aspects of both partners -- and require both partners to heal their oldest wounds?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Meanwhile, she felt safe in the presence of her guides, and trusted the pathfinder who would help guide her through this walkabout of a Saturn return. She was moving forward with intention, desire, courage and action, following her soul's path and saying yes to all the opportunities that lit up like fireflies along the way.
She was moving toward a vision that looked like a gallery space, tall windows, wood floors, driftwood sculptures, white open walls bearing her photographs ... and she stood in the middle of it all wearing a black dress, looking up to a beau as if they were about to step into a dance. The scene was stunning, and she would find out soon enough who the mystery man would be.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
She had gotten his number from the ride board on campus and had just met him a few days ago to discuss the trip back at the end of Spring semester. They had left late in the day, which had set back their departure and pending arrival to the homeland, which irked her slightly. She trusted him enough to catch a ride home with him, but she wasn't sure if she trusted him enough to share a hotel room with him. All she knew was it was 8.5 more hours to the Cities, and she was exhausted.
He stopped the tired old Jeep Grand Cherokee at the AmericInn & Suites and offered to go check on vacancy. Her 3 a.m. mind was writing the game plan for how she would eschew any and all advances (or worse) that might ensue.
As he came back to the car he had a funny look on his face which she couldn't discern. "Well, they don't have any double rooms either," he said. "the only room they had left was the honeymoon suite, so they gave it to us at a reduced rate." He grinned.
She laughed, too, at the irony of the situation and began amping up that game plan as she brought in her things.
There was only one bed in the room, but it had 6 pillows and was a California King, so they could each have their own hemisphere and be separated by pillows. "I won't sleep naked tonight." he assured her. And although the Jacuzzi tub was a nice respite for the two of them in their makeshift swimwear, nothing really got any hotter.
As she had nestled on to her side of the bed, and he had turned off the TV, he rolled over and flopped his leg over the great wall of divider pillows, talking to her as he was drifting off to sleep.
"So you've never had sex?" he asked, referencing an answer from their game of 21 questions on the lonely stretch of eastern Montana highway.
"Nope." she replied.
"Do you ever want to?" he asked.
"Someday, but not yet." she said.
He sighed in disbelief. "I can't believe you've held out for this long," he said.
"It's not that hard." she said, blowing off his amazement of her will power.
Subject: Project Man Executive Summit
With all the recent activity fluttering around the office of The Project Man Initiative, the amount of progress reports that have been filed is astounding. We are proud of your achievements - from dates and conversations, to man list revisions.
We're tickled to remind you of the Project Man Executive Summit on the afternoon of July 4, 2009. The place will be announced in another email and is to be kept top-secret. We will be scanning your HQ ID at the entrance, and further meeting clearance will require retina scan.
Here is a brief agenda:
1. releasing the lists
2. letting guards down
3. putting your feelers out
4. acceptance & pliability (a review)
5. "the one"?
*There will be time for a quorum for adaptation of Articles and Amendment voting.
To all Cougars and Cubs-in-training: In regards to the new code name - Operation: Man Hunt - please note that there will be no need for ammo (except for your innate beauty) and that camouflage and animal prints are strictly optional. Do note that you will all be adept at hunting by the end of the summit.
# # #
After a recent memo from the powers that would be finding men that fit the bill had requested more detailed lists, a flurry of Man List revisions happened at Project Man Headquarters in the past weeks, and many of these had arrived on his desk for revisionist commentary and suggestions.
One in particular had struck him. "This list author seems to have taken the memo seriously..." he mumbled to himself as his eyes rolled down the page, and onto the second page. "...and maybe this list should be sent to the faeries with a decoder ring, or Cliff Notes," he thought as he reached point numerated 103.
After taking it all in and surveying the points, he carefully wrote the following assessment on a fresh sheet of letterhead:
"While I don't know anyone, outside of myself, like the guy you are looking for, I do believe in a parallel universe, so I have hope. It is a great list. Give it up, and let it go.... No one should be overlooked from "soul mate" status if all points of the list are not met. Should the scent of love be in the air, I would like to remind you to review the chapters on pliability and acceptance in the PM HQ handbook just to avoid rigidity to the list-as-principle if a guy does not comply with any of the provisions in any of the Articles Provided Herein..."
"Probably not," she smiled honestly. "Why? Are you looking to hook me up?"
"Yes." Her friend's eyes lit up as she began pronouncing an advertisement that sounded strikingly like the little one's latest man list. "If there's a spark, you two would be perfect together. But romantical interests aside, you both need to know that you each exist in your lifetimes and therefore must meet."
The little one, at once stunned and grinning, had heard an echo of this boy about 2 years ago - while she was deciding whether or not she wanted to get married. She was never introduced to him then, and was now wondering if there was a distinct reason for that. She was pretty sure there was.
"Well... can I give him your number?" her friend persisted and pleaded: "Say YES!"
"How could I say no?"
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Later, whilst sharing parts of the list to a pal over happy hour, her friend looked at her with big eyes and laughed: "Wow, I can't wait to meet him."
Neither could she.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Oh no. She was going big. Leaving nothing to the ambiguous, she was going to whip up this list and hand it over to the faerie god-mothers to find her divine partner with a sense of urgency and a clear image of what to send her way. No more wading the murky waters of bad search results. No more "surveying a multitude of options." She was honing in on the one and only.
I know I haven't written too much as of late, and for that my sincerest and deepest of heartfelt apologies. Quit taking it personally (Qtip) - lol! I've been a bit preoccupied with the lushness of life. The sweet scent of spring has enlivened my senses and so has my hot latin lover. I'll let you know how that goes, when I come up for air.
They kept dancing. Lest she stare transfixed on that one spot on his shirt, he mentioned: "You don't need to analyze the thread count."
She relaxed her gaze that was likely burning a hole through his chest, and thought about her inherent lack of seductive presence.
"Your gaze should be on me in soft focus, as if you are enrapt in this one moment, as if my leading you is the only thing that exists right now, you are stuck in this moment of ecstasy."
She looked up at him and her fit of giggles leaked into laughter.
"And even if you really don't feel all that, just fake it," he said.
She was never good at faking it.
Friday, May 22, 2009
It was spring, yes. She checked the calendar to confirm that point in the 28 day cycle that involved a patiently waiting ovum. "It ain't ova, till it's ova," she said under her breath, remembering a line from her especially punny high school biology teacher as he polished his humor during the human reproductive system chapter. Another guy walked by. She had to fan herself.
If you had asked her about her Man List today, she would have stared at you blankly. Obviously, a lonely spring ovulation creates the omittance of sound judgement as the estrogen breaks the blood-brain barrier. She has a friend who vows to stay indoors when ovulating as a rule. Together they had established this baseline standard: no dating when ovulating. Today, she felt like a victim of her biology but was not making excuses.
And then, she suddenly realized: this is what guys must be like all the time.
She couldn't wait to sleep off this deluge of hormones and wait for the following day of clear thinking.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
As she passed the tennis courts in the park, one of the figures through the meshed cage of the court looked familiar. His stature, his calves, his beard, his hat, shirt, shorts, shoes. She could pick them out of a camouflaged crowd with the primal sense of shape acuity that can only be known from years of closeness. She wasn't fully convinced until she saw the racquet, the one they bought just two summers before. Through the immanent distance, part of her wanted to wave. Part of her didn't want to potentially ruin their game. It was at once so familiar, and so foreign. Her presence went unnoticed, as an innocent passerby on a warm evening scented with lilacs.
Her look said 'nope,' and she hoped the fact that this was her first Milonga -- heck, her first formal social dance ever in the history of her little self -- was a good enough excuse to be in the dark on this one.
"You need to know about this..." he said.
Her eyes showed interest as she tuned in for the 411.
"As a follower, you need to be scanning the room and scoping out the potential leaders. If you see someone holding their gaze for a while, that's a preliminary sign that they want to dance. You can hold their gaze in return, or look away. Looking away is a gentle signal that you're not interested."
She was amazed at what she was listening to -- all of this great social experimenting offered by the Tango scene. Who knew Project Man Field Work would be so prosperous after a brief hiatus of leading a full and intense life. Yet, this all sounded so familiar to her, like she'd heard this story before. "So, it's kinda like being at the bar?" she asked. (Having never been part of that crowd, ever, either, she was taking yet another stab in the dark. All she knew was hunkering down at a coffee shop, knitting and simultaneously scanning the room and evaluating every dude that passed by with her speculation and keen sense of intuition about his innate character, while she tried to catch the gaze of the cute one across the room.)
He looked at her, as if he was trying to figure her out. "Well, I guess it's like that... from what I've heard."
Points, she thought to herself. The dude doesn't do the bar scene. She eased into the conversation more as he dished out more of the scoop on the social tangle of the weekend dance hall.
"As a woman, you can always turn down a request to dance," he continued. "Some followers won't dance with a leader until they've seen them out on the floor. See, in tango, no one wants to look bad. So, naturally, you don't want to accept an invite to dance from someone who's moves you're not impressed with. Even while you're out dancing with someone else, you can be scanning the floor for your next partner."
She was fascinated by, and grateful for, this tutorial. It seemed at once like Darwin meets the potential for drama. "So, I should stop looking at my feet while I'm dancing?" she smiled.
He nodded and got up from his chair. "Set that cabeceo on fire," he winked.
Monday, April 27, 2009
At first, she thought it was her. "Am I getting the pudge?" she wondered. But it was nothing these jeans hadn't seen before, even though their fibers were now restricting and uncomfortable. "Maybe I grew," she said, expanding her thoughts about the situation. Then, she reversed the direct object: "Maybe they shrunk," she concluded. It was a paradigm shift metaphorically clothed in frayed denim.
And she set out to buy a new pair of jeans. More fitting ones. A pair that didn't make her feel like a problem.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
"What is this about?" she wondered as she explored that rising wave of emotions. She made a mental note to see the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Now that she'd been through a breakup, it might make more sense to her.
Later that evening, after reading about personality types in relationship and brain chemistry, she saw their personality strengths and weaknesses at play in the text, and (again) saw how the personal elements closed up and broke down their path together. She could trace it all through their 6 years in togetherness, almost moment by moment, scene by scene.
And not that she wanted to put humpty dumpty back together by any means, she wondered just how things could've should've would've happened had they been able to move through that impasse which caused them to quit each other. What steps would have been necessary to take? What personal growth shifts blossomed forth? What picture would they have painted together on the trailing outcome? Ultimately, how would they have started? How do you remove the layers of bitterness and resentment to dig yourself out of a toxic relationship space?
She knew that such longstanding sediments had built up them in their case. That takes courage and sometimes massive machinery to excavate the malleable soil that may lie beneath the mantles of hardened hearts and the sometimes impenetrable shell of the ego. In their case, breaking up was a long time coming dispite their history and mid-west work ethic. But what does it feel like to walk on the ego shells that have freshly fallen?
"Guys - you need to have clarity and direction to lead the women across the floor. Ladies - you need to have patience. There can't be two leaders in this dance. The follower needs to wait for the cue, the energy flow from the leader. Don't anticipate what he's going to do. As a follower, there's a fine line between dictating and being a doormat," the instructor said. "The man proposes the step. It's the woman's choice to follow it. Let's practice that for the next few songs, step by step."
Saturday, April 11, 2009
"No!" she laughed. "I was playing "peripheral offence." We showed up, talked to the band and had to leave at 11:30. It was past our bedtime. He didn't get a chance to ask for my number. But he could certainly get a hold of it by other means if he wanted to..."
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
A good group of peers will review red flags with you and ask you hard questions like: "Why are you with him?" "Do you love him?" "Does he make you happy 99.9% of the time?" "If he asked you to marry him right now, would you say, 'Yes, of course!'?"
If you answer yes to any of the above, then they will most likely reply excitedly to the effect of: "Well shit, (your name), that's effing awesome!!" (and then, they may be secretly envious).
If your answers waver, are paused or full of explanations and examples as to why it's more complicated than that, they will listen to the cliff notes of your relationship 'history' again, take copious notes, and then hand the notes over for you to read. This way, you see what you're saying, how silly it is, and hopefully you'll know what to do. If necessary, a savvy reviewer (with your best interests lovingly in mind) will read your words back to you and ask you to identify every excuse you are making for him which is getting in the way of your own happiness.
The little one pondered this cosmic concept, as even Greg Behrendt hadn't included the importance of zodiac matches in his Man-Bible. "Oh, yes," she agreed. "Chart me. No wasting my time on the known incompatibles."
20% of the population. Four out of five potential partners could transmit more than what you bargained for during that gettin to know you period if you move too fast and furiously, entangled in the throes of passion and sweat and other body fluids.
It's not taboo these days to ask for a clean bill of health. I mean if he (or she) was a horse, he (or she) would need a health certificate to move across state lines or belong to certain boarding facilities. Making sure your potential horizontal tango partner has his STD free card is par for the course before he (or she) transfers into your bedroom.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
"If these books had a conversation," she wondered, "what would they say to each other?"
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
When we need to wipe disillusionment from our eyes, or the eyes of our friends in this predicament, we need to consult The Red Flag Rubric: He May Be Cute, But:
1. does he bore you?
2. is he bored by you?
3. do you do all the calling / emailing / whatever?
4. does he have a job? a career path?
5. does he actively work on his "superior man" work?
6. is he healthy? fit? -aholic?
7. do you have anything substantial in common?
...and then, consult the man list. Remind yourself what you really want, and then place the Stunning Mr. Hotness back into the scenery and adore him from afar like you would the most lovely sunset.
Enter in golden nugget #2: the 5 questions to ask your man before you get in over your head.
These are questions that should be discussed not only within the first 3 months, but possibly, with in the first month, or even the first 3 dates. His answers to these questions will give you your answers about "where this [you&him] is going."
1. What are your short term goals?
2. What are your long term goals?
3. What are your views on relationships? (friendships, dating, family, work, etc.)
4. What do you think about me?
5. What do you feel about me?
Notes for #1
a. make sure he has short term goals and that what he's currently doing now is in line with where he wants to be.
b. see how you fit into those short terms goals: i.e. if those short terms goals include time for a you, or if he's really unavailable.
Notes for #2
a. make sure his long term goals fit with his current path, short term goals, etc.
b. do you see yourself in his long term plan?
Notes for #3
a. this will clue you in to his views on family life, family issues, past relationships, work relationship theory, what he thinks a long-term / ideal relationship is like, etc.
b. compare your ideals / views with his, and make note of the incongruities
Notes for #4
a. he should say more than: "I think you're nice." Prod for specifics, get detailed responses. If he can't rattle off a handful of lovely things about you, then he hasn't been paying attention.
b. He should be paying attention.
Notes for #5
a. This one is key for any forthcoming interactions with said dude: intimacies, dates, conversations, or a biddance of thee farewell.
b. He should be able to articulate how he feels about you, even though it may be hard for him to go to that emotional place that he really doesn't like to visit often.
c. if there's no verbal display of feelings, then take silence as the answer to move on.
d. if he passes this question, gold star.
For cliff notes, part 1, Harvey suggests a 90 waiting period before jumping in the sack with a guy. He relates this to when he was working at Ford, and had to show up ready and eager to work the work before getting the must deserved rewards of insurance benefits and investment opportunities. This weeds out the worthwhile beaus from the flaky chaff of sport fishers who are just with you for [what Harvey calls] " the cookie."
"Oh yeah, the dark haired one, with the sunglasses. I noticed him too. Super cute." her friend replied.
"Yeah, and he even carried out his girl's laptop case when they left. I watched him a bit last night. And kept thinking: "show me a sign that she's really your sister and not your wife.""
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): One reason I've been put on this earth is to expose you to a kind of astrology that doesn't crush your free will, but instead clarifies your choices. In this horoscope, for instance, I'll crisply delineate your options so that you may decide upon a bold course of action that's most in tune with your highest values. Study the following multiple-choice query, then briskly flex your freedom of choice.
Would you rather have love:
1. knock the wind out of one of your illusions, thereby exposing the truth about what you really want;
2. not exactly kick you in the butt, but more like pinch and spank you there, inspiring you to revise your ideas about what it means to be close to someone;
3. spin you around in dizzying yet oddly pleasurable circles, shaking up your notions about how to keep intimacy both interestingly unpredictable and soothingly stable.
She mused, rolled all three around on her tongue, and flexed for #1.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Jealousy is a big. red. flag. for many reasons. The main issue is insecurity, which is another red flag when not handled properly or used as a lesson for growth and letting go. As the non-jealous partner, it's your job to tactfully realize this unhealthy force before the healthy dynamic of your relationship spirals into a murky vortex. But, that often means a big shout out to your partner to do some deep inner work (i.e. "Holla, homeslice. But your insecurities are. not. my. issue. yo. Can you work on that, please?")
As Nikki would say: Jealousy is the symptom of non-relationship.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Check out Personal Life Media's programs and podcasts led by enchanting hosts and savory, worthwhile guests. Stream some aural enlightenment for your embodied existence and experience with others.
Start here: Just for Women: Dating & Relationships
Scroll down until you find the programs ready for streaming...
Get ready for greatness.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
This seemed to be the central thought of his trip. Escaping from the humdrum and perhaps confusion of a life without goals, he decided to play roulette and choose a travel destination for a one-week trip to clear his thoughts.
Portugal was the winner, planned on the spur of the moment, as trips to Portugal often seem to be. He enjoyed his first two days alone, until a French couple looked at him incredulously and remarked, "You're traveling alone?! No boyfriend, no girlfriend? Too bad!" Only then did he start to feel lonely.
Until he was walking along, recently off the train and consulting his thin paper map of Tomar, and a young woman waved and shouted from afar, "Hi! Do you speak English?" Her big smile took him off guard and he said, "Yes..." She turned out to bethe third woman he'd met while traveling who was working on her thesis. "Why do I meet all these intelligent women while traveling?" he asked her, with a touch of frustration and a smattering of irony.
"Because intelligent women tend to travel more, I think," she replied, somewhat coyly.
They spent the day walking and having good conversation, as he explained his current life dilemma. "I've worked for so manyyears, but still don't know what I want to do!" All he knows is he does not want to follow the monkeys. If everyone is going to see a monument or landmark, he does not want to follow them there.
His travel partner's only and best advice for the day was this: "Just because the monkeys are going somewhere doesn't mean that you should not."
Maybe a life lived avoiding the beaten path just for the sake of avoiding is just another way of not having to make your own decisions.
After finally achieving the goal of gifting her with a fresh delicious orange, partaking in new and delicious pastries, and carrying home one for the road, he hugged her at the train station. "Thank you so much," he murmured. He watched her run to her train, wondering what would have happened if his coin had landed with the other side up.
"As we awaken we realize, more than just intellectually, that what we do to another we do to ourselves; then behaving ethically is not so much a choice as a necessity, a sacred duty, a commitment. So long as we can sexually mess around with and manipulate others for our own ends (sex here being not much more than a matter of making ends meet), and frame the whole messed-up scene as not being messed-up, we are only fucking ourselves, regardless of the tantric robes in which we wrap the whole thing. It’s no accident that one of the many meanings of “fuck” is getting exploited.
"You cannot have sexual maturity without a corresponding emotional, moral, mental, psychological, and spiritual maturity. Those who are cognitively very developed, but whose hearts do not yet see, will not be sexually mature, tending to either be shut off sexually or to indulge in erotic fantasy (utilizing their minds to jack up their sexual excitation). Those who are spiritually and morally relatively advanced, but who are emotionally immature, will not be sexually mature, tending to dissociate during sex, or to burden it with tantric expectations. And so on.
"Sex does not need to be — and in fact cannot be — crystallized out from the rest of our experience (as those overly focused on the mechanics of sexuality often try to do, both in conventional and tantric contexts). Rather, it needs to be seen, felt, and lived in vitally embodied, openeyed resonance — and relationship — with everything we do and are, so that it is, as much as possible, not just an act of specialized function, nor an act bound to the chore of making us feel better or more secure, but rather an unfettered expression of already-present, already-loving, already-unstressed wholeness.
"If you don’t want to get fucked, you’re going to have to disturb your slumber, and rub the sleep out of your “I’s” — and this is more often than not down-in-the-trenches hard work, a true labor of love, asking much of us."
For more on the work of Robert Masters, visit his website: www.robertmasters.com
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
"What other European men don't realize," he explained, "is that women want to be courted. You must conquer a woman, in every way. You have to create a spark in her eye. A woman is sacred."
While I didn't agree with all of his reasoning, something about what he said struck a chord in me. In my previous relationships I admit we have gone very quickly to the sexual phase. After a very short exciting period of "does he like me?"and the adrenaline of not knowing, but hoping, sexual relationship seals the pact.
Nevertheless, these supposed pacts were very easily dissipated once things went wrong. Eventually I always realized I had made an incorrect decision, chosen poorly. At that point I realized I had never really attached to the person, and breaking the relationship was very easy. The message that I began to formulate and process with this new conversation was that my mistake has always been that I am conquered far too quickly and easily. I must slow down, must allow myself to attach to a person through good conversation, shared moments and memories, smiles and, yes, even that frustration and nervousness of unrequited hormones. Perhaps then both of us will be sure to choose wisely.
Maybe a woman should wait, should demand that her relationship with a new man build and grow until she has a spark in her eye that is not born solely of sexual attraction. Maybe this is not an issue only for "other European men," but for men and women around the modern world.
What would it feel like to be "courted"? Have American men lost that art? Did they ever master it?
by Nikki W
The other one, busy keeping an eye on her child, offered this question: "But do you think they liked their life? Were they happy? All the marriages were arranged. Can you imagine? There was no love."
"I want my children to have these experiences -- kissing, dating,etc. -- before they are 20," she said, and continued expressing frustrations: "Otherwise, they are at a disadvantage. They need to know what to expect, how to reclaim their rights so that they are not taken advantage of. It bothers me that the Church and sex-ed programs don't do that. These kids need to be smart and empowered about their choices, not live in fear while being all caught up in the hormonal rush."
The four of them sat at the small dining room table adorned with a perfect bowl of fake fruit, fresh walnuts still in their hulls, a bottle of Port and green wine. Conversations among them had taken many turns at this point and eventually ventured down two different paths.
The Italian looked up from his conversation with her over at the other side of the table where the astute Colombian and the little American were looking at an open and connected laptop.
He looked at his multi-lingual conversation partner and said to the table: "I can't believe we're talking about Italian history, and they're looking at Facebook!"
The Colombian looked up from the screen and replied dryly: "I can't talk about Mussolini with someone who's blog is called The Kissing Lessons."
Friday, February 20, 2009
"We should get one and carry it around with us. I'll take a picture of you with it, and we can post it on facebook and create some more fodder for gossip back on the other side of the pond. Keep those boys guessing," her friend winked.
"I like the way you think," she laughed.
She carried her rose around as they toured the city, and past the Darwin exhibition. They quickly learned that a woman with a rose drew much attention -- more attention than being with a blonde in this country.
"You know, a woman is percieved as being more attractive to men if many men think so. So if one girl turns some heads, other guys will notice other guys looking. It stems from the great sperm competition. And, I like to call this the Bachelorette Effect."
Upon learning of their bus companion's Italian-ness, the little portugirl turned and asked her: "So, tell me the truth: Are Italian men really the best lovers?"
The italian girl scrunched up her face, and shook her head with a laugh. "No. ... But they would like you to think that."
"Italians are great lovers, of course," he said as he looked up from the saucepan that the oil and the tomato sauce was marrying in. "And, the Spanish, too."
"Oh, she must have married a putz. All of the friends I've had that changed like that were with guys we warped their worldview so much that they changed and our relationship was not the same. It's amazing how one person -- even an undeserving guy -- can change a girl's outlook with his insecurities, and because of her insecurities in dealing with him."
"That took me a while to figure out," the little one said. "The other signs seemed so convoluted."
"Absolutely!" she replied. "He should have been more upfront with you, especially after you were so upfront with him with your feelings. I'm more mad at him right now at this point of the story for not being clear with his intentions. That's just selfish."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more."- Erica Jong
"When we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness -- and call it love." - Robert Fulghum
Wrote Voltaire in a letter to his partner Marie Louise Denis:
"Sensual pleasure passes and vanishes, but the friendship between us, the mutual confidence, the delight of the heart, the enchantment of the soul, these things do not perish and can never be destroyed."
Gertrude Stein defined love as "the skillful audacity required to share an inner life."
"The person one loves never really exists but is a projection focused through the lens of the mind onto whatever screen it fits with least distortion." - Arthur C. Clarke
From the artist and poet Wolff Bowden #1: "You belong to love as wheels belong to roads, as grapes belong to the blossoming of taste, as corn belongs to crows, as shadows belong to the ache of heat, as happiness belongs to the capricious pangs of the soul."
From the artist and poet Wolff Bowden #2:"May the color blue behold your body while sun washes your shoulders near the window. May your lips refuse the kiss unless your heart is home. May euphoria find you in the place where you are lonely. May you light a billion candles with your mind."
"Greet one another with a holy kiss." Corinthians 1
Monday, February 9, 2009
Monday, February 2, 2009
Woman Unto Herself
The original meaning of "virgin" had nothing to do with sexuality. It meant, rather, a woman unto herself. A woman who is whole, complete unto herself, owned by no man.
Such a woman can be in any phase of life, young or old, married or not, mother or childless. She has smashed the distorting mirror of outer world "reality" and experiences life through the private rhythm of her being, a rhythm whose source is the Mystery that flows through all creation. This intuition is her heartbeat.
Woman Unto Herself is an expression of the inner world that cannot be grasped by the mind or ego. Once embraced, she nurtures our outer reality, giving extraordinary meaning and richness to life.
Regardless of the synchronicities, she couldn't help but wonder if this was the gut reaction -- a final clearing of sorts -- of the ignorance of those key visceral signals for all those years prior.
She woke up the day before at a more normal hour for a Sunday with only one clear thought in her head: 'I'm tired of boys getting in my way. And I'm really tired of boys who don't understand their inner work...'
She began her day early, despite interrupted sleep. She was alone, and living it. Most importantly, loving the space it gave her.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
"Did you say 'I'm just looking for the Big O?'" her friend asked.
"Well, the attention did feel like a little bit more than just customer service..."
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
"The last time, my order came up short," her friend replied. "...but he did put the lid and the seat down. That was very nice..."
"We need to get more specific," She said. "Refine the list in round two. Manifesting is all about knowing with great clarity what you want, so much so that you can almost feel it."
"So we put our rubric in place as a logical evaluation system as we open to the diversity of possibilities, but we can't leave our heart out of it entirely though, can we?" her little friend mentioned. "I still need tinglies & magic along with the tough grading scale."
"I made my list already, Iggy," the first one answered him with sass. "It was my ex-husband!"
"Make another one," he insisted. "List specifics for the person you want to be with as a note to the universe and carry it with you at all times -- keep it in your purse. That's how I met my wife," he added. "We both had lists." He looked at his acupuncturist and winked. "Next time I come in, I want to know what's on your list."
"Good Bye, Ignacio," she said with a smile as she sent herself a high-priority mental note to start that list...
Saturday, January 24, 2009
"Why?" asked her friend on the other line.
"Well, when you invest so much into a relationship, and it ends up going nowhere..."
Her on-call friend picked up what she was putting down: "...it's like the economy of love just crashes."
Sunday, January 18, 2009
"Can't you just send it?" her friend answered.
"But I don't hate him... I guess I don't know what the boundaries are now for signing off a letter to someone you were so close with for 6.5 years, were wed to, etc. Can I use 'peace & spankings'? 'love & light'? XXOO? Do I just say: 'see ya around' ...?" her voice trailed off with other possibilities.
"You should sign it 'eXO'," her friend suggested with a straight face over the phone lines, until they both burst into a fit of laughter.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
She was getting married again. This time it was a big to-do. It was outside, in a little back yard area. White chairs and all. Flowers and garlands and corsages. He was in a tuxedo and looked dashing surrounded by his well groomed men. It was the same him. The family and strangers were bustling and buzzing in the stereotypical family craziness that weddings produce. She was watching this all as an omnipresent observer, knowing from her half awakened state that she had been through this before with less pomp and circumstance, yet also as the leading lady in the dreamscape. It was a dual role that only made sense in dream-time. The bustling surrounded her as she watched, and the women of the party introduced her to her petal pink wedding dress that coordinated with his vest and tie. They dressed her up, zipped her up, like the animals that had adorned Cinderella in the movie. She looked at the dress, at the people, at him, at the scene and stood up. The traditional scene was ready for her. It was her turn. She commanded their attention from the hill she was to walk down. Her voice turning their heads to her, silenced.
"I can't do this," she said. She looked at the people watching her. "I love you," she said to them. "I love him," she said to them as she looked at her Him. "But I can't do this. I did this once, and it wasn't right. I knew it wasn't right. I can't do this again. I don't want to be married now." She didn't even apologise - no I'm sorry was uttered. She looked down at the dress she was in, at the flowers in her hand all bound with ribbon. She turned and tossed them out to the sea of amazed faces, and didn't look back.
This all floated back into her memory as she rounded the corner to her condo. She started thinking about how that dream compared with the one she had the night before. But she stopped to get the mail and noticed the decree to the dissolution of her marriage in an envelope waiting for her.