What's love got to do with it

With all of the mindfulness in relationships that I've seen/heard/read lately, it all makes me fully realize that healthy relationships pose all of the lessons for self growth. Any lessons not learned in past relationships, and left unreconciled, will be thrown right back in your face in the next relationship. And, we've all got our own set of lessons to learn in this lifetime. Being in a relationship amplifies the opportunity for self growth.

In a sense, relationships are the new ashram.

Like the Eskimo's many words for 'snow', the word 'love' has a plethora of meanings in our culture -- from the romance of chemistry, to the results of arranged marriages, and all the many layers of Hollywood's silver screen imprints in between -- What's love but a sweet old fashioned notion? With all these nuances and images, lyrics and emotions, do we really know what love is? What does real love look like?

A few years back, I asked this of my therapist at the time: "What's an ideal relationship look like?"

He replied that once a commitment is made the main theme in a healthy relationship should be about personal growth: "I think marriage is a state of firm long-term intention to do our best to be in a mutually supportive relationship, "in sickness and in health." This is how arranged marriages can be so enduring, and romantic marriages so often end in divorce. The fundamental concept also has to do with purpose. If the purpose of marriage is to have the other person make us happy, we are in for a rough ride because they will inevitably disappoint in one way or another. If the purpose of life is the fulfillment of consciousness - and we are intentionally, consciously using marriage as a way to confront and work with our limitations and complex personality structures - we have a chance."

Easier said than done - indeed. No one ever said inner work was a piece of cake, but with the right intention and momentous presence, hopefully you can have your cake and eat it too.

Catch me if you can

"I don't get it," she said. "I've never been asked out. I mean, am I unapproachable? I'm adorable, not a knockout, I can't imagine that would be an issue..."

"It's not that." he said. "You've always been amazingly independent and content with yourself -- both are great qualities, you shouldn't change. But some guys don't know how to even touch that. There's no weak spot."

This subtle revelation made her re-consider, momentarily, the aspect of "the hunt" in which the boys are to lead in this game. Maybe the culture of courtship asks too much of boys to play the instigator? (What happened to Grecian goddess of the same character - that of the huntress complete unto herself? The gods got creative...and great stories were made.) To counteract the imposing nature she apparently aired, she could let any forthcoming beaus know she was interested, but subtly, so as to not create a scene. But then, she had her druthers. She'd rather be pursued, by a confident god.

And all that jazz

What would happen if we looked at relationships through the lens of the jazz-improv model? Something along the lines where one starts playing and the other plays back, and visa versa, in some randomly, off-the-cuff, yet seemingly harmonious way towards composition.

And, perhaps, through this lens, there is a different view of the original note that started it all: "When love hits, just go with it."

to die by your side is such a heavenly way

Not typically an author applied to the workings of strictly human relationships, but a bit apropo:

"Breakdown provokes a space of possibility precisely because things don't work smoothly anymore." - Donna J. Haraway

Grandeur

"What are men compared to rocks and mountains ... and a carriage that works!" - Pride & Prejudice

The fever

"The first symptom of love in a young man is shyness; the first symptom in a woman, it's boldness." -Victor Hugo

Slow down my beating heart

There was a flurry of questioning at Project Man HQ concerning who should make the first move, why guys won't make the first move, what consititutes a first move, do guys actually 'get' the subtleties - or do they require an obvious, blunt approach? etc., and other burning questions.

Luckily, the PM HQ NYC correspondant-on-call calmly issued the best advice to settle the flurry with simple zen-like wisdom:

"Just show interest if you are interested.
Don't try. Just be.
If you find that you're interested, be interested.
If that is all you ever do, you will be fine."

Snow globe

She woke to a heavy dusting of snow, and flakes like bleached flies trailing past the slats of her blinds. "Who ordered the winter wonderland? What is it, Febtober? Where's my winter lovah?" she thought.

As she burrowed into the warmth of her bedding, she mulled over a question posed to her the evening prior: 'What are you thinking right ... now?' If she were to utter a response at this very moment, it would not be channeling the voice in her head, but instead shooting from the hip. Her 'now' felt more like this: "my body wants your body. close."

There, burning

The trail followed the semi-frozen riverbed, occasionally stretching over it. She stood on the rough hewn bridge, facing downstream, watching the water move away from her. From here, she released all the tired habits and patterns of her self-in-relationship, the relationship itself, and any other residual energetic blocks while offering it up to the current moving below.

Then, she turned around and opened to the water racing towards her from the falls. The flow of the current rushed past with gusto, filling her up. "I'm ready for a new love story," she said.

Pause

On a recent call into the The Project Man hotline, another crushing crisis was averted:

Caller: "I've had a crush on him for so long, and there he is. Again. Is this a sign? A joke? I'm trying to dim my hopeless romantic tendencies, but I need to talk to someone. It's been so fun to reconnect after I thought we'd never cross paths again..."

Hot PM line assistant: "OK, I'll walk you through this. Just breathe deep into your belly. The first step is to not be so quick to respond. Let it linger. In a sense, wait for his lead. Let him wonder where you are, what you're up to, what you're wearing. Let him call and check in. Wait for him to call you. Remember this: If he's not dying to hear the sound of your voice, your laugh and your deep thoughts, he's not fully alive."

Socks appeal

She sat on the edge of the couch next to him, pulling on a fresh pair of stockings to kick the autumn chill. "I love great socks," she said.

"And it always takes two," he winked.

I choose you

"He loved her, of course, but better than that, he chose her, day after day. Choice: that was the thing." - Sherman Alexie

Tender & permeable

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." -- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

MIA

She opened her eyes and glanced at the clock. The 6:30 AM sun glowed in her east window. She rolled over and stared at the ceiling. It was the Autumn Equinox. "Where did all those hot August nights go?" she wondered.

The scent of a woman

She held out her left arm. "Smell this," she said as they walked to the concert venue from her apartment.

Her friend raised an eyebrow, but sniffed the lingering scents from the perfume counter, as she narrated the choices she sampled and bought.

"And, there's one coming out for winter, that is just amazing," she continued.

"Does it smell like roses and chocolate?" her friend asked.

"Oh no," she replied excitedly. "This one smells like mystery and sex."

Mingle rhymes with tingle

"Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle —
Why not I with thine?"

- Percy Bysshe Shelley

True religion

"A woman whom we truly love is a religion." -Emile de Girardin

As you wish...

There's a passage in The Princess Bride (the book) where Buttercup tells her parents she's 'overtired.' Her mom replies: "Terrible things can happen when you're overtired. I was overtired the night your father proposed."

Contenders

There was only one contender left in 'Crush Status' for her Project Man fieldwork progress report. This one has withstood 'the list' and has continued to impress. So far, so good. But, the crush was still young, and there was much more fieldwork to be done. She rolled up her sleeves.

Not you not me

"In deep love it happens that the two persons are not two. Something between the two has come into being, and they have just become two poles. Something is flowing between the two. When this flow is there, you will feel blissful. If love gives bliss, it gives bliss only because of this: that two persons, just for a single moment, lose their egos. The "other" is lost and oneness comes into being just for a single moment. If it happens, it is ecstatic, it is blissful, you have entered paradise. Just a single moment, and it can be transforming."
- from Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other, by Osho

Fo' sho

"Love brings freedom. Loyalty brings slavery. On the surface they look alike: deep down they are just the opposite, diametrically opposite. Loyalty is acting; you have been educated for it. Love is wild; its whole beauty is in its wildness. It comes like a breeze with great fragrance, fills your heart, and suddenly where there was a desert there is a garden full of flowers. But you don't know from where it comes, and you don't know that there is no way to bring it. It comes on it's own and remains as long as existence wills it. And just as it had come one day, as a stranger, as a guest, suddenly one day it is gone. There is no way to cling to it, no way to hold it."
- from Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other, by Osho

The groom

After a long day brushing the horses in the heat of mid-summer, she stopped for a spell to sit in the shade with some iced mulberry tea and check her messages. She had one text from her latest crush, asking her how her day was and how she was doing. She texted back: "hot and dirty."

Demand curve

He had been wavering lately in everything. Not really here nor there, and not just a bad day. He wasn't aligned with his purpose and was being sucked down a vortex of 'small existential crisis' which to her had dragged on forever and three weeks past. At this point their relationship felt like she was schlepping along a dead log.

One day when he wasn't taking the magnitude of his rippling crisis seriously, she harnessed her inner Bodhidharma and decided to issue a wake up call, hoping that he would get his proverbial shit together.

She looked at him, in the middle of a discussion about their "us" that was meandering nowhere, and spoke with the love and sincerity of a zen master: "Don't f*cking waste my time. And I won't waste yours."

Lines

Fully loaded with snacks and supplies, they headed out in the early morning hours to embark on a road trip up west for the holiday weekend. Around Crazy Woman Creek, WY, they found themselves desperately out of gas, running on what could only be the vapors of fumes. They drafted uphill behind a benevolent and unsuspecting semi before exiting at the first gas station they spotted right before Buffalo, WY. They filled a 17.2 gallon tank with 17.75 gallons of gas, thus defying the laws of physics. After her own pit stop and experiencing yet another wonderful roadside restroom, she noticed that her comrade had bought some donuts.

She grabbed them. "Whoops. Those aren't on your diet. I'll have to take those away from you."

"Give me back my donuts!" he said, surprised and hungry.

"I'm doing you a favor," she said.

"I haven't started my diet yet," he said.

"Yeah, but you shouldn't eat those," she said.

"I'll eat anything round with a hole in it," he said.

A smile crept over her face as she began to laugh. "You should use that as a pick-up line."

How to lose your date in 10 minutes

Tip #7: Over a seemingly peaceful meal, when he asks you a question, interrupt him gently, pull out a granny-sized pill case -- one with Monday - Sunday compartments -- and say: "Hold on, just a sec. I forgot to take my antispasmodic medication" as you pop a horse-pill sized multi-vitamin and chase it down with your drink.

Rock on

It was an evening like no other. A buzz was rimming through the crowd like a hive. They were hot and bothered in the summer eve, ready for the main act to take to their instruments and rev it up.

As the applause amped to a crescendo, the spotlights flash on the band. The lead singer took to the mic and introduced her voice into the evening air, as the crowd went wild:

"We're the French Ticklers," she smiled above the roar of the audience. "We're so glad you came. This first song will really get into your pants."

Vibraphonic

At the jazz gig at the St. Exspendy Hotel, the conversation changed tunes from vibraphones to vibrators.

"I just don't get it," she said. "All my friends keep talking about their vibrators. I've never been into it. I just prefer the real thing."

"I used to feel that way," her friend said. "But, you've also had good sex. I, on the other hand, have never had that experience, so the vibrator is great. It's better, faster, easier to clean up after. It's like "wham, bam, thank you Duracell.'"

Disinter

She listened with a keen sympathetic heart to a dear friend who had been out east for the last two months of her brother's battle with cancer. He was in his early 40's, with a lovely wife and two little boys.

"We had some wonderfully poignant conversations at the end where he would start sharing his reflections with me, as if to counsel," her friend said.

"Did he share big life lessons?" she inquired.

"Yeah, he did," her friend said quietly. "He said, 'Never let work get in the way of a relationship.'"

She smiled, and knew how awful it was to be with someone who was married to their job first.

Internal memo

To: PM Executive Director

As a progress report, all I know is this:

The men keep appearing left and right, and then dropping like flies because of 'the list.' This list leads to great clarity and peace of mind, but leaves us wondering where all the potential suitors are?

Only mildly concerned,
The cub-in-training

PS. Is timing everything?

The joy of singlehood

They met up early to beat the summer heat and to keep holy the Sunday morning walk. It was an idyllic day, which was par for the course in this mountain town. The topic of these twalks usually centered around Project Man, and other important metaphysicalities.

As they reached the end of the route, she turned to her friend and said, "You know, these are really the best times of our lives. We really need to enjoy it."

Her friend raised an eyebrow at her reasoning, in questioning not disagreement. She knew how much the availability of her friends' calendars changed once a boy took the spotlight in their daily routine.

"We have so much time to ourselves as singularities. I mean, if we had boyfriends, we wouldn't have time to be out this early on a Sunday. We'd be too busy having sex."