While processing the latest in field work reports and sorting through a stack of mixed messages with a colleague from PM HQ, I decided it was time to re-visit the gospel of Greg Behrendt and bask in the most simple truths of masculine actions or lackthereof.
According to Greg, he's just not that into you if:
1. he's not asking you out
2. he's not calling you
3. he's not dating you
4. he's not having sex with you
5. etc.
Because, he says, "if a (sane) guy really likes you, there ain't nothing that's going to get in his way."
"So what does normal look like?" I asked my cohort, needing a refresher about how clear these matters can indeed be.
Not wasting a second, she started the litany of testaments. "He wants to talk to you - for hours. He can't have enough of you. He thinks about you constantly. He admits all of this and tells you how wonderful you are. He can't wait to see you again - and asks when he can see you again - he shows up. He's continually asking you questions and wants to know more about you..." she paused. "Basically, he knows he wants you."
I smiled and was reminded that the heart doesn't talk logistics, doesn't rationalize, has its own schedule and perhaps isn't always fair. There's rarely any ambiguity about the heart's affections.
"The beginning of any relationship is that gooey-hot-chocolate-love that doesn't have a day-planner," she continued. "You want someone who's over the moon for you. There's so little hesitation in that."
But, oh - how often do we get so caught up in matters of head vs. heart? And how often do we let the head win?
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Secret heart
She took in the textured richness and breadth of each day's fullness and delighted in her most trusted friendships. She took great care of her mind and body and carved out a space in this life consistent with her most heartfelt values and visions. She was complete unto herself, and yet she had room in her heart that she wanted to share with an other of great significance.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Express your admiration
On a chilly evening this week, still missing about 3 nights of sleep, I ventured up the street to a divine meeting of brilliant women to enjoy wine and cheese and other yums and toss some topics into a bowl for big ol' discussions.
The first topic up for discussion that evening - after a report back to the group on success of the previously touted and oft doubted Man List ("I think it works..." I winked) -- was the topic of fidelity. That topic merged nicely with the next - which was marriage.
The responses voiced from around the room were as varied as the experiences of each of the women. One woman, who had always wanted to be married, had been in a relationship for 7 years with a man who'd been wed previously and was in no hurry - until she finally voiced that it was important to her. One divorced woman said she didn't need to be married again. One divorced woman said she wanted to be married again - that she wasn't going to be a girlfriend for 5 + years at her age.
Both of the women who'd never been married both voiced that they wanted to. From the married women, the voices were just as disparate. One was questioning her own marriage and flirting with getting out; one was loving motherhood and experiencing the frustrations of togetherness with her beau; and the other loved being married and considers her main squeeze as her best friend forever.
I sat there and listened to this texture of responses - so rich, and each rooted in their own context - and thought about my own position on the subject after a year of being out of a 7 year relationship that ended in divorce. And as my mind lingered with each of these ideas, I made a mental note to pick up Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed sooner rather than paperback-later.
Before I got married, I wasn't entirely stoked about the idea. I didn't really feel like I needed the commitment, the piece of paper, the legal binding. But I was also with someone who I wasn't entirely nuts about to begin with (but let's save that for later). However, as I sat there and checked in with myself, I realized I would do it again, but I'd take all I learned with me (mainly: to not ignore the heart's affections...or lackthereof).
This morning, I happened to follow a headline about Johnny Depp to a short blurb about the mother of his children and their relationship. I smiled at what she had to say about him - about the friendship, the admiration and the respect they have for each other, and how he fascinated her, still:
"I could go on and on about all the things I admire in him," she says. "I like watching him when he's thinking, when he's talking with people. I like seeing how he handles situations. I admire him as an actor, as a father, as a man. Above all, I admire the person he is. He's fantastic."
There's nothing like expressing your admiration (is it done enough? hardly). And when it comes down to it, I want to be nuts about someone and have someone be nuts about me - in mutual resonance. That seems mighty fine. Wedding or not.
The first topic up for discussion that evening - after a report back to the group on success of the previously touted and oft doubted Man List ("I think it works..." I winked) -- was the topic of fidelity. That topic merged nicely with the next - which was marriage.
The responses voiced from around the room were as varied as the experiences of each of the women. One woman, who had always wanted to be married, had been in a relationship for 7 years with a man who'd been wed previously and was in no hurry - until she finally voiced that it was important to her. One divorced woman said she didn't need to be married again. One divorced woman said she wanted to be married again - that she wasn't going to be a girlfriend for 5 + years at her age.
Both of the women who'd never been married both voiced that they wanted to. From the married women, the voices were just as disparate. One was questioning her own marriage and flirting with getting out; one was loving motherhood and experiencing the frustrations of togetherness with her beau; and the other loved being married and considers her main squeeze as her best friend forever.
I sat there and listened to this texture of responses - so rich, and each rooted in their own context - and thought about my own position on the subject after a year of being out of a 7 year relationship that ended in divorce. And as my mind lingered with each of these ideas, I made a mental note to pick up Elizabeth Gilbert's new book Committed sooner rather than paperback-later.
Before I got married, I wasn't entirely stoked about the idea. I didn't really feel like I needed the commitment, the piece of paper, the legal binding. But I was also with someone who I wasn't entirely nuts about to begin with (but let's save that for later). However, as I sat there and checked in with myself, I realized I would do it again, but I'd take all I learned with me (mainly: to not ignore the heart's affections...or lackthereof).
This morning, I happened to follow a headline about Johnny Depp to a short blurb about the mother of his children and their relationship. I smiled at what she had to say about him - about the friendship, the admiration and the respect they have for each other, and how he fascinated her, still:
"I could go on and on about all the things I admire in him," she says. "I like watching him when he's thinking, when he's talking with people. I like seeing how he handles situations. I admire him as an actor, as a father, as a man. Above all, I admire the person he is. He's fantastic."
There's nothing like expressing your admiration (is it done enough? hardly). And when it comes down to it, I want to be nuts about someone and have someone be nuts about me - in mutual resonance. That seems mighty fine. Wedding or not.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The new and improved fairy tale: to know and be known
Fresh off a long NYC weekend brimming with auspiciousness at every turn and viscous hot chocolate, where I spent ample time with one of my most favorite people (ever), I'm catching up on lost sleep and blogs.
The post that struck me the most is the latest by Kelly Diels on unraveling the dusty old fairy tale motifs, which peaks in top form: "We're all missing out on so much. What's missing: intimacy. To know and be known."
As we re-write our own love stories, perhaps this should be the new moral?
The post that struck me the most is the latest by Kelly Diels on unraveling the dusty old fairy tale motifs, which peaks in top form: "We're all missing out on so much. What's missing: intimacy. To know and be known."
As we re-write our own love stories, perhaps this should be the new moral?
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Vague recollection
As the conversation turned to more salacious matters, she listened intently. "Sex ...hmm, that sounds familiar," she wondered aloud. "Is that what you put on your feet before you put on your shoes?"
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What is the sound of settling?
"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." — Maureen Dowd
Endowed
"If there's one thing men fear, it's a woman who uses her critical faculties" — Maureen Dowd
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
3 days past forever
While getting lost over in Kelly Diels Cleavage - I found this gem that makes me wonder - especially with a blog title like 'The Kissing Lessons' - how I missed this saucy literary passage from the pages of the kissing codices.
More importantly, of course, it makes me wonder how I could have missed out on this phenomenon of "...long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days…"
(Heaven knows this smooch deprived girl could use some spit and polish on a makeout session. And, admittedly, I would be the first to sign up for the 'kissing lesson booth,' but apparently, I'm totally missing out. More fieldwork is in order. I'll report back.)
More importantly, of course, it makes me wonder how I could have missed out on this phenomenon of "...long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days…"
(Heaven knows this smooch deprived girl could use some spit and polish on a makeout session. And, admittedly, I would be the first to sign up for the 'kissing lesson booth,' but apparently, I'm totally missing out. More fieldwork is in order. I'll report back.)
(More) talk about SEX (I beg of you)
There's a super smart post over at Kelly Diels' place that should get in your smarty-pants right now. You'll be glad you did:
http://www.kellydiels.com/2009/12/28/why-i-write-about-sex-and-why-arent-you-a-meditation-really/
http://www.kellydiels.com/2009/12/28/why-i-write-about-sex-and-why-arent-you-a-meditation-really/
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
My present for you
"What's funny," he said, "is that so often people think that women are the ones to start thinking of long term plans right away in a relationship. When really, they tend to measure if the guy is long term relationship material. Whereas guys have the tendency to lose the moment entirely for the sake of planning for the future. We can get so wrapped up in the long term plan and fail to see what's right in front of us, right now. And, that's where so many of us screw up. Focusing on 'right now' is where that lasting connection happens."
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