What I've learned

Written by Nicole Musmanno

What I have learned: I have learned that I need passion in my life. I have learned that my parents have affected my choice on marriage. I have learned they might have been wrong.

Just like they were wrong about college out of high school, that I gave up on a horse too quickly that soon after broke my mother’s neck, and that I would regret my dog. My dog is the least of my regrets as it turns out.

What I regret is that I married a perfectly wonderful man who looks perfect on paper. He is responsible. He has an excellent work ethic. He has a great job and a promising future. He is kind. He loves dogs. He loves me.

I needed passion. I told my brain while it screamed, “no” when he proposed, that I would be fine. That I could not hurt him and actually (verbally) say “no”. That this was what I had been pushing for only to learn that indeed I should be careful what I wish for, that five years of dating does not a reason to marry make. I think maybe I gave up or just gave in.

I wanted to be married. To be someone’s forever. I had that romantic view since I read my first Jane Austin or probably earlier, maybe it was Disney’s fault or musical theatre. Point is: somewhere along the line I created an image of love eternal. Though I know marriage is work. I watched and still watch my parents work at marriage. Maybe I am a product of my generation, but I work at everything else, I am not certain I have the energy or time to work at love and marriage. But would I have the energy if I felt it were worth it?

The horse gets his supplements, the dog gets her run, my client’s get their contracts filled, and my deadlines are met. So it goes without saying that I would work at the marriage if I had to, if I saw an ends to a means. But isn’t that the end, love eternal? Or is that a fairytale? And the truth is people do live together forever, love each other forever, grow comfortable forever. They never ask what if and find the answer.

What if I want to learn the answer? Does that warrant the hurt of another? I don’t know. I have not learned that yet. I fear I might be too afraid to gain an education. So have I learned what matters?